Xmas

I have not done much blogging lately. What’s the point, no one reads it anyway and I haven’t “needed” it to vent in a while. But just for my own edification, I thought I’d pop in an update.

It is Xmas Eve and I’m working. I didn’t want to stay home today and burn a vacation day. I have 3 left that I need for when Baby comes in a mere 3 weeks. And kids don’t come over until 3 pm anyway so what’s the point of not coming in and enjoying the quiet?

I’ve been trying to figure out why I don’t seem to need this space any longer. The only thing I can come up with is that N is no longer coming over. When A&M come over it is relaxed and really, really enjoyable. Exactly what I have needed over the last few months of pregnancy. When N is around there is a whole new level of anxiety, anger, frustration and all kinds of other negative emotions that I can’t qualify or describe.

But as it is Xmas Eve, and we have the kids for Eve this year, N is coming over. It was not until about a week or so ago that R realized that N was only coming for the gifts. It will be very interesting to see if he brings a gift for his Dad. He has a job now, so he has income and the ability to buy his Dad a gift. It is possible, but highly unlikely in my view. And this holiday I didn’t cover for him. I did over Father’s Day, but not now. He’s an “adult” and has adult responsibilities. If he doesn’t want to get his father a gift or a card, that is his issue to deal with.

I am really surprised at how much anxiety the idea of N being at our house has given me. I don’t want to be there. I’m already anticipating that it will be awful. Which makes me wonder, because I am putting this negative energy out into the world, will it come true? If I was putting positivity out there, and anticipating that it will be a GREAT visit, would that make it a great visit? The problem I have is that I can’t believe in my heart that it will be a great visit. A good visit maybe, but not a great one. I’d be happy if it was a tolerable visit. N has a way of ruining everything.

And while I sit here and think, “I’ll just check out tonight and go to my happy place” I can’t do it with just him. I am an all or nothing checker outer which isn’t fair to the girls. I just have to ignore him. I’ve done that before with good results. I just don’t want to ruin the good relationship we finally seem to be building with the girls with him out of the way by checking out of Christmas. Not to mention that it might ruin R’s Xmas too.

This stepmom thing is hard.

I am SO hopeful that Nugget is NOTHING like his brother. I try to remember that N seems nothing like Randy. But when it comes down to it, he is 50% of his father. Just like Nugget will be. I hope that Nugget is nothing like N. I will be so frustrated if he ends up like N. But R says that N is a LOT like his maternal grandfather. So I am hopeful that there is nothing I need to worry about with Nugget. I suppose only time will tell.

                                                                                           

A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Was that a shoe dropping?

What we expected to happen finally did. N (through Evil Ex) has made the decision not to come to our house anymore. He turns 18 in one month, and last weekend N and R had it out about a lot of things. R reminded N that when he turned 18 he could decide whether he wanted to come over any more, but that we could also decide whether he was welcome. After nearly a week of not seeing each other (N stayed at his mother’s during visitation last week) the decision has been made that he will stay there from now on.

So the decision is made. I am happy that the cancer will be out of our house from here on out. But I am a bit sad too. I also feel a lot of guilt because I am happy he won’t be coming over. N caused a lot of tension, anxiety, frustration, and more than a little anger when he was at our house. So NOT having that will be a blessing. BUT…

But he had his moments. Moments when he was really fun. When he was considerate and kind. When he was funny. When he had relevant things to say about what we were discussing and would add to the conversation. There will be a hole in my heart. A small one, but still a hole that only he will be able to fill.

I guess I presumed I’d get to see him at least one more time before this happened. But that seems not to be the case. I feel guilty saying “c’est la vie” but really, what’s done is done and I can’t change it. I just have to deal with it. I never expected that being a step mom would create so many opportunities to bite my tongue.

It will be interesting to wait to see if the other shoe drops and if the girls will treat us poorly because of N's decision and Evil Ex's further bashing of us (which I am confident is occurring). It should be very interesting.

Add to this drama that my mother had knee replacement surgery a week ago. She’s doing great and while progress is slow in her rehab, it is there and so we’re all happy about that.

Nugget is also doing well (or so I can only assume.) He’s kicking around and generally making himself known. I am so interested and excited to meet this kid. I can’t wait to see what he looks like. I can’t wait to see what his temperament is like. I can’t wait to see what he enjoys and what he doesn’t. What kinds of food he likes and what he doesn’t.   I’m also downright terrified about having this child. But that is a post for another day.

I guess I don't know what I want

It’s a boy!

We had our anatomy ultrasound last Friday and found out we’re having a boy. We are awfully excited about having a boy. While everyone says “all we want is a normal healthy baby” and everyone means it 100%, I think there is a hope of one gender over the other. There was for us anyway. And we wanted a boy.

I had concerns about having a girl. I was a tomboy as a kid, teased/bullied relentlessly as a tween, and had such self-esteem issues as a teen and young adult that having a girl was concerning. I know she would not have the life I had, it could have been much worse for her, or much better. But, girls now are much worse than girls were back in the day. Boys are not as cruel it seems. And if they are, a few punches resolves the issue.

I have many hopes for our little man.

I hope he has:

His father’s intelligence, wit, sense of humor, metabolism, work ethic, and eyes

My empathy, compassion, common sense, adventuresome nature, and quick smile

Athleticism – I’m not saying I want an NFL star, but I want him to be athletic enough to keep up with his peers

Focus

Determination

Commitment

My father’s (his grandfather’s) sense of right and wrong, and unwillingness to compromise or lie

I also hope he:

Is kind and respectful

Knows right from wrong

Is happy

Is smart

Is not intolerant of other people or other lifestyles

Finds a career he loves

Finds a person he loves even more to spend his life with

Understands that EVERYONE deserves respect

Says please and thank you…to everyone

Regrets only the stupid things he did, rather than the chances he did not take

I hope he has some challenges too. You can’t have a life of pleasure without a bit of pain. But I hope that the pain he has in life is manageable and that he knows he can work through it. I hope his heart is broken so he knows how to treat someone with compassion when it is not a good fit. I hope he fails a few times, because a life without failure is a life without chance. I hope when these things happen, he lifts himself up, dusts himself off and continues on. You cannot wallow in failure or on the road of life for too long without becoming stuck. I hope he realizes that his dad and I did our best and that everything we did really was in his best interest, even if he didn’t think so at the time.

Will he be a “car guy” like dad? Or will he be a “reader” like mom? Will he have my self-esteem issues like mom? Will he be so focused on a tree that he can’t see the forest like dad? Will he be mean like his paternal grandparents? Will he be judgmental like his maternal grandmother? Will he love to travel like his parents, or be a homebody? Will he walk around in a daze like M? Will he be ignorant like N? Will he be a manipulator like A? What if he is not healthy? What if he has cancer? Autism? Or any of the millions of other problems that kids get nowadays? R already has a special needs child.

I guess time will only tell what kind of person he will be.

All I want is a normal healthy kid. Hmm…maybe I was wrong. Maybe all I really want IS a normal healthy baby.

Running in place

Being a stepmom is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. And right now it is as challenging as it ever has been.

R and I are still going through his work issues. We both want to leave. Desperately. BUT…

And of course the BUT = A&M. R and I were having lunch together yesterday and it was a very depressing lunch. We both want to leave. We both know that it would be the best idea for us and Baby. We both know we would be happy, could find jobs, and live a good quiet life in relative peace. A&M could come down in the summers, spring break, and every other Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We could make this work. I know we could. A&M would be upset at first, but they would figure it out. They sure don’t seem to miss us much when we don’t see them now, so why would a few 1000 miles change anything?

I know.

It would change everything.  We were discussing it yesterday at lunch. R was visibly despondent. I suggested selling the house, moving back into the townhouse I own (and am currently renting), and we stay for the next 6 years. R will need to get another job, and we’ll need to find daycare, but in the townhouse we can do it. Then we move after A&M graduate. This is the best thing for us. I know it is. R won’t feel guilty 10 years from now when the girls get married and don’t invite us because Evil Ex has poisoned them against us to the point of no return. We’re the adults. We should be the ones to deal with the heartache and frustration, not them.

But will we end up resenting them as they complain about everything, tell us how awful we are, and then turn around and ask for money? Will we look at each other and know the other is thinking “We made a mistake.”

Neither of us want to sell our house and move into the townhouse. It would feel like failure. My family is judgmental. Saying that N won’t be spending time with us and that is the reason we bought the big house would be a waste of breath and time. They would judge. So we have to deal with that. If we just leave, we don’t have to deal with them either. Instead we have to deal with the anger of giving my parents their first grandchild and then moving away with it.

Frankly we can’t win.

I’m so tired of this. I am tired of trying to fix mess. I’m tired of looking at houses we won’t buy. I am tired of stressing out about a move that we won’t make. I’m tired of looking around the house and fictitiously selling things we don’t need. I’m tired of taking photos of things we should be selling and having him never list them. I am tired of listening to him talk about potentially losing another client. I’m tired of listening to him say he can’t find another job because of this issue.  I’m tired of him saying how this decision would be so much easier if the kids were older. I’m tired of not knowing what our next step will be. I’m tired of the indecision. I’m tired of not having a plan.

If it were up to me, I’d move. I’d leave the kids here and move. They’ll be fine. But that is easy to say when they are not your kids. I know the right thing to do is suck it up and stay. But if R wants to go, I’m ready.

Rough Patch

Things have been really crazy at home lately. R got into some trouble at work a little over a year ago, and it is coming to a head now. (Given his industry this is not atypical.) The trouble got reported in the local paper and he’s upset by that. He’s lost his biggest client, however the rest seem to be sticking around (knock on wood.)

Add to that that R got some paperwork from the court system that N’s mother (Evil Ex) is going to be N’s SOLE guardian after he turns 18. R was quite upset by this, but filed paperwork to ask for joint guardianship. He talked to N about this this weekend and N told him that he didn’t want R to be a joint guardian because he left Evil Ex. He hates us and can't wait until he doesn't "have" to come over to our house.

Add to this that the kids were terrors this weekend. Disrespectful, rude, and sassy (not in a good way). They would tell us how awful we made their lives and how unfair we are, only to turn around and ask us to buy them things. WTF.

All of this creates a very unhappy and stressed out R. Which makes me stressed out, angry, and unhappy right along with him. To the point that we’re talking about running away. Selling everything, house, fun cars, motorcycles, and anything else that is unnecessary, and buying a small house in a Southwestern American state. Getting easy jobs with low stress and just living a simpler life with Baby.

The problem with all of this is AM&N. Ok, so N doesn’t want to have anything to do with us. Fine. We can’t change how he feels. But A&M are 12, almost 13. This is a tough age and since Evil Ex is so…well, evil, we can’t expect her to not brainwash them for 9 or 10 months out of the year and then have them come visit in the summer and expect everything to go hunky dory. And R doesn’t want to leave them. He doesn’t want to abandon them and go “start a new family” someplace else. I get that. It’s not fair to them.

The other problem with us leaving is my parents. J&B have been wanting grandkids for almost 20 years. Now they are faced with getting exactly what they want, and we’re going to up and move away. That’s not fair either.

So we end up between a rock and a hard place. Not happy here, but unable to leave. Wanting to leave, but unable to do so. When do we decide to stop catering to other people and look at our family and what is best for us? My guess is in about 6 or 7 years after A&M are graduated from high school we’ll run away. But that is a long time from now. I don’t know that R can stand it that long. I don’t think he can hold up that long. But I suppose we will see.

Dodging bullets

Every now and then there is a day that is incredible. Incredible for small things, not something big like winning the lottery, but small things that add up to a big thing feeling.

Today is that day.

It started out rough. I picked a fight with R and then I pushed it on rather than getting over it. I was crabby and made him feel bad. That is not a very nice thing to do. Despite this, he was cheerful and pleasant towards me. I truly don’t deserve him. He is a good man and sometimes I don’t treat him the way I would like to be treated. He dropped me off at work and I moved on.

A set of my old college friends had their 15^th wedding anniversary yesterday. They posted pictures of the bridal party in which my ex-husband and I were happily a part. It was a wonderful wedding. My ex commented on her post as did his girlfriend. I would say his “new girlfriend” but she’s not new. They’ve been together for 6 or 7 years now. I clicked on her facebook page and scrolled through her wall. Looking at the posts she made, and then his responses to them. All I could think was, “Wow. I dodged a bullet.” He’s the same guy he was in that picture from 15 years ago. He has not changed. He has not grown up in the least.

Leaving my ex was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. He wasn’t mean, he didn’t cheat, he had a job and a car, and we had  a house. He didn’t drink to excess, do drugs, or beat me. But he was absent. He played video games. A LOT of video games. I would joke that he could get everything he needed from the computer, so he certainly didn’t need me. Then I came to realize that this was true. He didn’t need me. I was there to clean house, mow the yard, wash clothes, cook meals, etc. Beyond that I had no value to him. So I left.

People would ask why, and I would explain that he stopped giving a damn about me. They would look at me like I was crazy. They knew me and knew I didn’t need to be treated like a princess, and they just couldn’t understand. But I knew I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t do that forever. I owed it to myself (and him) to break it off instead of wallowing in this miserable situation. It was hard, but it was worth it.

The second incredible thing that happened was that a got a lot of what I needed for free. I have been writing my husband love notes since we got married. One a month discussing what happened that month and a quality of his that I love. They are on the computer and I needed some stationary to transcribe them onto. The problem is that I rarely get 10 free minutes to go to a stationary store for something like this. So in a moment of brilliance I went to our onsite FedEx/Kinko’s.  I explained what I was doing and what I needed and not only was I given more paper (cut in ½ so it is more like stationary) than I needed, I also got it for free. “Happy anniversary. Pay it forward” she said with a smile.

I pay things forward a lot. More than most I think. I’ll pay for the child’s candy behind me in line. Buy a strangers lunch because I accidentally walked in front of them. Pay for a coffee for someone else. They are little things, but I like to think that they mean something to the person who got it. So to have someone pay it forward to me, is really wonderful. Incredible even.

I am so lucky.

Baby fears

Baby fears...they are not small ones, just ones I have about baby and baby coming, etc. I wish they were little fears (and really they are to most people) but they're not to me.

So baby news...baby is 13 weeks today and is healthy (genetically speaking.) We had a special ultrasound to determine the likelihood of Downs Syndrome and all signs point to no. The ultrasound was really interesting. When I see baby in there all I can think of is Alien and "the scene" when it explodes out of the guy's chest. Where I should see our darling child and feel incredible love, all I feel is fear.

Fear that my diet is not good enough (it's not.) Fear of baby coming out (this one is intense.) Fear of a problem between now and delivery. Fear of pain. Fear of not being a good mother. Fear of not feeling that "feeling" that parents describe of instant love and connection. Fear of not knowing what to do and of R thinking less of me because I don't and "I should." Fear that the baby won't like me (silly I know). Fear that I might kill R while he has that stupid video camera in my face.

Fear that R's ex will schedule her upcoming wedding to interfere with the time of year baby is coming. Yeah, I said it. I'm concerned that she is so petty that she will schedule her wedding for the end of January just to go on honeymoon and leave the kids with us around the time I should go into labor. It would be her way of making sure I know that R's first priority should be THEIR kids, not this child. With N being in a wheelchair R would need to be home to get him on the toilet and in bed. What if he had to leave the hospital to get N in to or out of bed? What if baby came during that time and he missed it? I'd never forgive him. He'd never forgive himself.

Thus the reason I am adamant about getting a c-section. Many of my fears are self imposed ones. They are internal ones that I need to get over. The baby will like me...I'll be baby's source of food for heaven's sake. I'll be a fine mother...perhaps not Mother of the Year, but only one is each year which leaves lots of us left over. I will feel that "feeling." I felt it once for a puppy, I'll feel it for a child. I know there will be no problem between now and delivery that R and I can't manage together. The video camera might be broken at some point, but we can get a new one. ;)

But Evil Ex is a significant concern. She is petty. She is cruel. She told A that the only reason R wants a boy is because he wants one that can walk. What's worse than that is that A believed her. She will ensure that A&M will hate the baby if she can. She will tell them that baby is not their sibling (but her fiancé's kid is.) She will point out that R will treat baby differently than NA&M, which will happen since baby will live with us full time, and that it is because he loves baby more than them. Yes, she is that awful.

I have come to expect the worst from her, and she still manages to astound me with her cruelty, anger, hatred, and resentment. She is so angry at R and me for so many perceived slights and imagined actions. I truly wonder how she can marry someone when she still harbors so much feeling towards R, even if it is anger. If her fiancé is really that fabulous, then shouldn't she be happy that she and R are not together? Shouldn't she look at it and say, "Wow, that sucked as I was going through it, but am I glad he left so I could find this one!!" I think she should, but she doesn't. If she lets go of her anger then she is no longer the "left spouse" and she loses her identity. I am quite concerned about what will happen when N passes and she is no longer the "mother of a disabled child" either.

But I try to put this to the side and not think about it. Not worry about it. I can only control the things I can control and a lot of this baby stuff is out of my control. I can control my diet (although I don't do it well), my fears, my delivery experience, my responses to the kids, my responses to Evil Ex, even my responses to R.

I can't control what Evil Ex or kids might do/say now or after baby comes, mental or physical problems with baby, my parents, other people's expectations, the video camera, or the holder of the same. I can only control my responses to these things. So I try to control the things I can, and I am trying to release the things I can't.

Easier said than done.

Nothing Special

I really don’t have much to talk about. Life has been pretty quiet over the last week or so. I have not seen the kids much, which is fine, but R has and that is good. He has soccer practice with the girls Tuesday and Thursday nights and I really didn’t think there was much reason for me to attend practice. It’s just practice, right? 

Evidentially not. R was quite perturbed when I told him I was going to miss last night’s practice to go out to dinner with my aunt. I had not realized that me attending practice was a priority. I know the games are. I get that. But do we both need to go to practice with them? Do we both need to go out to dinner with them? Again, the games I understand. Those ARE a priority. But I didn’t realize practices were too. So I have promised to be at all the games and that seems to have bought some peace to the house.

On the baby front, not much is new. We have an appointment next Friday to do a NT test which will test for Downs Syndrome and other chromosomal problems. Fingers crossed everything is ok. I’m on a board where people are talking a lot about second OB appointments and the heartbeat not being there anymore. The mere thought of it is overwhelmingly scary to me. I just don’t know what I would do. I know myself well enough to know I would probably say “That’s it. We’re not doing this again.” But I am simply inviting worry. Neither my grandmother nor mother had any miscarriages. Not that it is a genetic thing, but hopefully I won’t either. Hopefully everything will be just fine.

My pants are starting to fit funny. I don’t know if I’m just bloated or if it’s actually baby there, but my guess is the former. They feel fine while I’m standing up, but once I sit they get a little tight in the waist. So tonight I’m off to Target to find a belly band or whatever they are called. Evidentially you can wear pants unbuttoned/unzipped and not have a problem, so we’ll see if that helps.

Home again with incredible learnings

Made it down to Tampa and back without killing anyone which was a magical feat. Kids were AWESOME. They are fantastic road trippers. They just hung out and played their video games, watched movies, and listened to music. They were great. Even the dog was a great road tripper. I couldn’t have asked for more.

The tournament went wonderfully too. N’s team defeated every team they played to come in first in the nation. This was their first year as Division 1 athletes and it was expected by all that they would end up last, or close to last. Instead their practice and drills assisted them in beating a previously undefeated team that included 3 Team USA power soccer team members. Teams of adults and college students were smashed by a team of boys ages 13-18. Everyone was in tears. It was fantastic.

The girls and I spent 2 days at the beach just the 3 of us and had a glorious time. We have tans and found a ton of shells and created memories that will last us forever.

R and N had a lot of “guy time” and really repaired a good portion of their relationship. Things are not perfect yet, but they are going in the right direction.

So what, you must be thinking (if there is anyone who reads this), made homicide a potential? I met my in-laws for the first time.

My husband has told me stories of growing up and the horrible childhood he had. His dad would hit him, his mother played favorites, he was unwanted (3^rd child and an oops at that), and to top it all off he was smarter than the rest of his family which created a lot of teasing and negativity towards him.  I truly thought that he exaggerated his childhood horrors. It couldn’t have been that bad.

Turns out, if anything, he downplayed how bad it probably was. His mother, sister, and niece showed at the tournament and tried to take the girls away with her on Father’s Day. She stated that she was taking the girls in front of N. She didn’t want him, she only wanted A&M. R refused. It was father’s day and we were going to lunch as a family. She wouldn’t tolerate that, but he was firm and he won. Once we got back she told him that he was selfish for wanting to spend father’s day with his kids and that she should have been able to take them. She expressed that our choice of restaurants was akin to “Taco Bell” and couldn’t believe that was more important than her spending time with the girls. R told her that he was tired of her cherry picking the people she wanted to spend time with and that he was done with her. He never wanted to speak to her again.

Obviously a high overview. She was rude to me. His sister was worse. I pity his niece who seemed nice but will so incredibly f’d up by these two women that she might not make it. His mother has a black heart and his sister is the devil incarnate. Not that I should be surprised. These are the people who told him that (despite hating her their entire marriage) they were on Evil Ex’s side and he should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. I should have guessed they would be exactly what he said they were.  But sometimes we need to see things first hand to truly understand.

My family is the polar opposite of these people. They are welcoming and loving and caring, if not a tad bit quirky. But we’re quirky in a good way. You will be welcomed to holidays with a hug if you have nowhere else to go, and you’ll leave family. My friends families are like this too. Ok, yes, mine is over the top friendly, but their families are friendly too. I lived happily in my little bubble for 37 years, not knowing any family who was as dysfunctional as these people. Even my ex-mother-in-law was not so bad. Looking back (with perhaps rose colored glasses on) she was socially awkward, but not intentionally cruel. She didn’t think before she spoke and had no filter, but (looking back) I don’t think she EVER meant to hurt my feelings the way she did.  The current MIL means to hurt feelings and doesn’t care.

This caused me to tell R that I fully support his carving his family out of his/our life. That MIL will never be a part of Nugget’s life. That I finally understood why he didn’t speak with them or tell them things. It’s not because he’s embarrassed by me (as I previously thought) but rather because they are horrible people.

Which makes me reflect on the man my husband has become. He was told horrible things as a child. He was called horrible things by his parents and siblings. And yet, he is the most loving and caring Dad that I have ever met. He is goofy in a way that my dad never was. He hugs on his kids and says “love to Dada” all the time. His children and I are the most important things in his life.

All from a man who knew nothing of this kind of love as a child. He would do anything for his family. His example was a man who left every night to “get away from you people” and said “if you kids come then it isn’t a vacation.” A man who told him that if abortion was legal in 1966 he wouldn’t be alive. A mother who openly favored his sister in all things and cut him down to promote his brother. Siblings who would beat him, and then beat him harder if he “told” on them. A brother who would steal from him for drugs, but was held out to be the better son. A family who would call a husky kid “rump roast” until well after he hit a growth spurt and became a bean pole thin teenager.

His ability to turn his experiences in childhood into examples of how he was NOT going to do things is incredible. I have always admired by husband, but this trip provided a new view of him. It makes me love him even more and reminds me every day why I knew it would be a good idea to have a child with him. He is a great Dad, despite not having a good role model. I love him so much.

Wish me luck

Tomorrow morning at 5 am we hit the road for Tampa. 14-16 hours in the car with 3 kids and a dog for the first leg. The rest on Thursday. Hopefully it will get us into Tampa early enough to get a bite at a beach restaurant nearby (presuming of course that there is such a thing near our hotel.) 

We are staying in Treasure Island, FL. Every year when I was a kid and teenager I would read Treasure Island as my official start to summer. What a wonderful novel. I can't wait to start it on the way down to FL and relive all the fun and adventure I had reading it when I was younger.

I hope AM&N (and baby someday) have a tradition like that that they pick up. It is a fun thing to have even as an adult. So while I can wait indefinitely to go to Tampa, I can't wait to start reading.

Brady Bunch

I hate the Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch provides an unrealistic view of what step-parenting is all about. Mr. Brady’s wife died. Mrs. Brady got a divorce. And all the kids love and respect both parents, all their siblings, Alice, and never behave badly.  I hate the Brady Bunch.

If the Brady Bunch were real this is what would happen:

    a.       The kids would all demand their own rooms and anyone who had to share would be irate about it all the time.

    b.      They would need more than just one bathroom for the 6 kids.

    c.       1 TV for the whole family would be cause for riot.

    d.      The boys would be surly and disrespectful to everyone, especially this woman who wants to take their Mom’s spot in their life.

    e.      The girls would behave similarly toward Mr. Brady.

    f.        At least one of the kids would be in counseling for something.

g.       The rest would need it.

h.      The kids would call the other parent by their first name…not Mom or Dad.

i.         At some point someone would yell “You’re not my Mom/Dad!” at the top of their lungs and run away.

j.        There would be infighting and challenging of roles by several (if not all) of the children.

k.       Mrs. Brady and Alice would be jockeying for superior position in Mr. Brady’s life.

l.         At some point one or both of these parents would say to themselves “Is this really worth it?”

So I hate the Brady Bunch. What I hate more about the Brady Bunch is that R has started to say things like “Mrs. Brady never loved her daughters more than her sons.” “Mrs. Brady didn’t think of them as your kids and my kids.”

Yeah, well Mrs. Brady also ended up with a full time housekeeper. She also lived in happy land where everyone got along and no one had to deal with a psycho ex-spouse who got the kids most of the time and was able to brainwash them constantly to hate the other parent and new step parent. The kids were not conniving, lying, spying, stealing brats who took everything that was not nailed down to the other parent’s house. Mrs. Brady didn’t have to deal with someone asking all the time to take them shopping, to the movies, for pedicures, to the amusement park, buy them this that and the other thing, etc. etc. etc. Neither of them had to deal with a idiot kid who couldn’t shut his/her mouth for more than 10 seconds.

Awww…the two oldest want to see who’s the better driver? Golly…that sounds like a problem!

I hate the Brady Bunch. And I hate Sherwood Schwartz for inventing it. (My hatred is dulled to dislike to account for Gilligan’s Island though.)

I'm gonna lose it

My hormones are completely out of whack. At least that is what I am blaming for the sob fest I had coming into work this morning.

Things seem strained at home. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is a subtle change in the vibration there. The kids came over Wednesday and we have them until the 19^th or 20^th depending on when we get back from the dreaded Tampa Trip. I can’t put my finger on it. But part of me wants to “tap out” for the weekend and just run away for a few days. Maybe he feels the same way. I just don’t know because we have not had a moment alone to talk about it.

I know I’m being neurotic but I feel dismissed. I feel unnecessary. I feel unloved. Like I’m there only for the chores I provide and for the support I provide to everyone else. But if I ask for support or if I ask for something I need, somehow I am now a pest. If I want to talk about how I feel or what I am going through I can forget it because if I’ve mentioned it once then that is enough. I get one time to say “I can’t get over how hungry I am!” and “I’m so tired.”  If I say it more than once then I’m repeating myself and I get an “I get it! You’re hungry!”  Ok geeze. Sorry for being such a pest about it. I’ll sit here and keep it all in from now on. (This “lovely” little passive aggressive tactic I learned from my darling Mother. You don’t want to hear what I have to say? Fine, I won’t say anything then.)  But in all seriousness I think he’s happier that way than with me telling him things.

I can’t talk to the kids about it because it is not a burden they should bear (much less tell their mother about) and their father is not interested in hearing about what I have to say (or so it seems) so who does that leave? Friends, yes. But not many of them know. And the ones that do, I’m getting tired of telling them the same things and not being able to confide in my husband the things I am going through, because (just like I expected) he’s done this before and has very little patience for it.

I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to be doing this with someone who has never done it before. At least then I could express what was happening and how I was feeling without feeling like I am doing battle with “what it was like with the kids.” I am so tired of hearing what the Evil Ex went through. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M A BITCH AND I DON’T CARE!

I don’t care what she did. I don’t care what she does now. You know what kids? I don’t give a damn about how she blows her nose, or what she did when you were little, or what she does now. I’m so fucking over everything about her. You can’t bring me up at her house, so you know what? New rule. You can’t bring her up here. I’m fing tired of it.

I’m hormonal. This will pass. I can’t freak out on anyone or about anything. I need to take a deep breath, find the high road, and follow it. I need to let it go. That’s my rational mind telling me what to do and how to get through this.

My hyper-irrational mind says f’em all. I’m buying a sailboat and sailing away never to be seen again. I’ll have a tan little swab to help me sail the boat in a few months. No I know nothing about sailing, no I have no idea how I would buy a boat, and no I don’t know where I would go. But does it really matter?

What I will do is go home. Take the abuse silently. Try to get through until tomorrow when I get to see some girlfriends with whom I have gone through thick and thin and I get to tell them my news. Then I can be more open with them and talk about this and lose my composure with them. I think I need a good cry…a REAL good cry, not a “I’m driving 70 down the Interstate to work and I’d better not have puffy eyes when I get there” cry.

Strange Pregnancy Pains

I’m having pregnancy pains. Not the normal ones…I’m not sick, my breasts don't hurt, my moods are generally good. No, these pains are in my heart and are related to other people.

I have a good friend in my life with whom I shared my news. I have another friend that I am hesitant to tell at all. We’ll call them A and B.

B and I have been friends for nearly 10 years. We started working together and formed a friendship outside of work. I care for her very much. We went through divorces together, we got new long term boyfriends the same month, the boys left us in the same month. We worked together to get over them. The difference is mine came back and he’s now my husband. She has not gotten over her boyfriend. She works a lot now and admits to doing it to fill time so she doesn’t think about him. We don’t see each other much anymore. She doesn’t seem to want to see me. Now I have this news that I want to share with her. And I don’t know how.

A and I have been friends for 4 years. When I went through a nasty breakup with R, she was there for me. She helped to lift me up. During that time she met Mr. Angry. Mr. Angry wasn’t angry when she first met him. He hid it well back then. He was rich, handsome, and always up for an adventure. He was larger than life, much like A is. They were super happy. I was happy for her, but I was sad for me. Really sad. It was hard being happy for her, but I was in the depths of my soul I was so very, very happy for her. Then R came back and we got back on track. A moved to Colorado to be with Mr. Angry. Then Mr. Angry showed his true colors and was angry. A stayed with him for a while. She tried so hard to make it work, but it didn’t. Mr. Angry had broken it. So A left him and went to California. Then A returned to our state and is living here again.

I have told A. Now she’s distant. She won’t look at me. She has lost her shiny shiny. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t expect this from her. I expect it from B. But not from A. I sent her an email saying that I hope my telling her didn’t cause this distance. Her friendship means too much to me to have something come between it without trying to fix it. I just don’t know what else to do. She has not responded.

I know she hated being a stepmom as much as she loved it. She liked being a resource for Angry’s kids. She thought about kids for herself. She would be a good mom, but is 42 and thinks that ship has sailed. Angry’s youngest kid still contacts her. This makes her sad most of the time. She hates seeing all the family stuff that goes on this time of year with graduation parties and family trips, etc. because she is seeing what she is “missing.” Since she left to be with Angry, I’ve gotten married and another close friend of hers is dating someone pretty seriously. Things changed while she was gone. I think the changes are hard for her. I just don’t know what to do.

I’m generally the kind of person who can be genuinely happy for someone even if I am secretly wishing it was happening to me. Being happy for other people’s successes does not diminish my successes. They might be having a success before me. That’s ok. Life is a unique journey for everyone and everyone gets their successes at different times. Sending negativity out into the world is not helpful to anyone. Jealousy is a form of negativity.

I know most people are not like this. I thought A was. I know B is, even though it hurts. But it is so hard. I knew pregnancy would be painful, but to have people in my life not want to talk to me, or be so hurt by my telling them big news in my life, is worse than I ever expected. I know I can’t be the only person going through this. But with 2 good friends I can’t tell/shouldn’t have told it just makes me so sad.

It makes my heart hurt.

8 days and counting

This weekend we did a little road trip. From our town to Joplin, MO then to Tulsa, OK and back home. A mere 12 hours in the car home. Oy. I’m still tired but it was good practice for the two of us for next week.

We leave next week (6/13) to go to Tampa for N’s power soccer tournament. Whoever decided that Tampa in June was a good idea is crazy. But alas, we’re going. I’m sure it will be fine, but the kids seem to think that because we’re driving down there, it is a super cheap trip. I’ve tried to impress upon them that it is not. That the hotel is very expensive, the gas is expensive, the hotel rooms on the way down and back are expensive. The whole thing sucks. But we can’t not take them. I expect we’ll end up paying more for this trip than we pay Evil Ex in child support for a month.

Speaking of Evil Ex, she goes on vacation starting tomorrow night, which means we will have the kids from Tuesday 6/5 through at least 6/19 and probably 6/20. Why someone would leave on vacation prior to their kids last day of school is a mystery to me. But evidently a trip to Mexico to see a band they’ve seen 50 times before is more important. Regardless, we’ll get to celebrate the end of the school year with them and she’s going to miss it. And we’ll still be the bad guys, the horrible people, the ones who screw everything up, the ones with the most evil intent. Whatever.

Can you tell I’m in a mood? Must be the hormones.

Speaking of hormones, baby seems to be doing just fine. No sickness (a bit of nausea, but not too much) and I’m tired, but otherwise I’m clicking along. It will be interesting to see the kids tomorrow after being with their mom for 4 days. The Tuesday after her weekend is always bad. Hopefully they’ll get through it quickly. But we’ll see. I’m interested to see if they are as protective as they were last weekend, or if they are ambivalent (as I expect them to be.) Only time will tell.

Sharing the big news

This weekend we shared our big news with AM&N as well as my family.  It did not go as planned, but things rarely do when it comes to my step kids. J

We were going to tell them Friday night after dinner. Friday we picked them up and M was in such a foul mood that we decided not to tell them anything. We were quite worried. What if she was like this on Saturday? We had planned on telling everyone Saturday at a BBQ we were having. We decided that worst case scenario is they would find out with everyone else.

Luckily the worst case scenario didn’t happen. Everyone (even N) was in a great mood on Saturday. The girls and I ran some errands while R worked out in the yard before the rain came. Around noon or so we sat them down and told them that we were having a baby. They were excited. Or seemed to be. M was the most excited. She wants to be a mom more than anything in the world, so this was fantastic in her eyes. A was more reserved. She’s like that though. Thoughtful and acts like being excited is just not worth the effort. N seemed excited, but as excited as a boy would get with news like this.  They promised not to tell anyone until we were ready to break the news at the BBQ.

So 2 pm everyone comes over and starts chatting and such. About 2:15 or so, once everyone was into their first glass of wine (everyone but me that is) I handed out “Memorial Day gifts” to my parents and sister. They were quite confused, but played along anyway. Mom opened hers first and it was a onesie that say “I <3 Grandma”. She read it and didn’t get it at first. “I love Grandma? I don’t get it? What is this?” My father, however, looked like someone had told him that he had just become President of the United States. The shock on his face was incredible. My mother finally understood what was happening and asked “Are you having a baby?” To which we responded yes. At that point I think my Dad’s legs gave out because he had to sit down. 

Hugs started then, Dad regained his sense of balance and gave me a big hug with tears in his eyes and told me how thrilled he was. He later told me that his priorities had suddenly completely changed. He was going to lose weight because he wanted to be there for this baby. He was on the edge of tears the whole day. My dad is a big guy. Gruff, about 6’2” or so, 280-300 lbs or so. So seeing him cry was crazy.

Everyone was shocked. My mom later asked me if R had “talked me into” having a baby. I assured her no, he did not. R was offended by that later on, but whatever. It was an incredible experience telling them and seeing their reactions. An experience I am so glad I got to have.

The interesting part of the whole long weekend was the reaction by the girls. They have become very protective. Making sure I am not working too hard and staying calm and relaxed. We went to the club and I explained that I couldn’t sit in the hot tub or sauna now because it would elevate my blood pressure too much. For the rest of the weekend they were on me about not letting my blood pressure get too high. J It was very sweet, and completely unexpected.

We dropped them off last night and have them again tonight. It will be very interesting to see how they react today and in the future, now that their mom knows. To see what kind of venom and poison she drips into their ears and hearts. But until that time comes I am going to enjoy it. It really felt like we were a family this weekend.

And I liked it.

I hate waiting

It is amazing how your perspective can change in just a week with a little bit of knowledge. Suddenly I’m going to be a mom. I have the excitement and joy of figuring out how to tell family and friends. Planning the nursery. Buying baby clothes and other baby doo-dah’s. Oy!

But it still doesn’t seem real yet. I feel like I should take another test, just to be SURE I’m still pregnant. Yes, I’ve taken 4 already, and YES they have all been positive. But I feel like there should be more. Like there should be this feeling that something is happening. I don’t feel anything. It’s quite odd.

I also have determined that 9 months will go incredibly slowly. The last week has gone slowly, as I put on a new shirt in the morning and pull it out as though there was a belly there and contemplate how long I can continue to wear it. Jeans too. How many extra inches do I have in these jeans? How do I keep my weight gain between 11 and 20 pounds when I am suddenly starving ALL THE TIME?

My biggest problem is that when something is going to happen I just want it to happen. I’m not big on delayed gratification. I would not choose to wait for anything. If I could I would get a ticket someplace and leave later that day. The anticipation, while exhilarating for some, is distracting to me. I am singularly focused when something big is going to happen. I like it all planned, organized, and ready to go…immediately. So this waiting thing has me stumped, and I am concerned that it will only cause the 9 month period to last e v e n   l   o   o   o   o   n   g   e   r.

Add to all of this is my ridiculous ability to jump to only horrible conclusions for small things and I have a long 9 months before me. (For example I am having left lower quadrant pain, therefore it is either a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. I’m sure it’s not just gas.)

On another front, we are telling AM&N on Friday about the baby. R thinks that everything will be fine. I think he is stupidly optimistic. I think everything will be fine until Evil Ex finds out about it. Then it is going to be hell for a while. I am nervous about telling them. I’m terrified about her finding out. I’m stressed out about the whole thing.

Saturday it is my turn to tell family. We’re having my parents, grandmother, sister, and favorite aunt and her family over for a BBQ with the kids. I have onesies for Mom and Dad and a bib for my sister. I thought about getting wine glasses that said “Grandma” and “Grandpa” but I was worried that they might not get it as we’re trying to get the kids to use those terms. Regardless it should be an interesting weekend ahead of us. But as it is only Tuesday I’ll just have to wait for it.

Oh shit

I’m pregnant!

Not too pregnant. But pregnant none the less. We’re about 3 weeks along…give or take. We were off the pill for less than one month.

This seems almost like cheating compared to my friends who have tried for months and years to get pregnant, and then only do so with medical assistance. Even R and Evil Ex tried for 5 years. But, my dear Mum told me when I got married the first time that I should stay on the pill until I was SURE I was ready to have a child because it happened quickly when she got pregnant with me and it seemed she used my father’s toothbrush and was pregnant with my sister. (Her words.) I also have a grandmother who is the mother of 7 with the last coming when she was around 45 years old and 8 months before my grandfather died.

Knowing these things did not stop it from being a surprise. I presumed it would take us a few months at least (I’m 37 for God’s sake!) and I was hoping it would happen after our first anniversary so I could enjoy the wine we bought in Italy specifically for that celebration. But, c’est la vie.

So now I find myself at 37 pregnant for the first time and not really believing it. I know it is true. I’ve seen the tests…I’ve taken 4 of them now. They all come out the same, plus or two distinct lines.

We had decided earlier that we would not find out the gender of the baby until the baby comes. I’m hoping for a boy though. So is R. He wants a healthy baby boy who can go to car shows with him and go to swap meets with him and pick out car parts for restoring cars. I want a boy because I think I can better relate to boys, and I already am seeing what the ‘tweens do to girls and I am NOT interested in dealing with that again. So I will hope but we won’t find out unless baby wants us to.

I have my first appointment in about a month, presuming everything sticks as it should. I feel good though. I don’t feel sick or sore. I am tired and craving protein all the time. I have actually lost weight, but this is attributable to the hour long walks R and I have been taking nearly every day.

So now the question is how do we tell the kids and how do we tell my parents. Parents are easy. The kids are hard. I think M will be thrilled, A will be upset, and N will be ambivalent as usual. I suppose I shouldn’t say I am worried about the kids, so much as I am worried about what Evil Ex will say to them to make us the devils she sees us as. I am sure it will be “he doesn’t love you/won’t love you as much” “he’s starting a new family and won’t want you around” etc. She’s horrible and she would pull this kind of crap. But I will stay positive and hopeful that she takes it well and does not use this as another reason to poison them against us. There is no reason for us both to be negative.

I wonder how the kids will adapt to having another sibling. I wonder if they will accept baby as a sibling, or if baby will be “Jen and Dad’s kid” rather than “my brother/sister.” The whole thing makes me nauseous.

Or that could just be the pregnancy. ;)