In a split second life can change

My darling husband did something incredibly stupid. Sorry…stoopid. When we made the plans for his birthday trip in January he didn’t clear them with his ex. Turns out, she’s traveling at the same time we will be. So there is no one to watch the kids. And because it is our weekend and he hadn’t cleared the change with her, it falls on us to find care for them or we cancel our trip. We’re either out $800 or we’re spending another $2-300 for care because N is in a wheelchair and can’t do anything for himself. I’m going to have to spend another couple hundred dollars to care for a kid who hates me enough that he refused to come to our wedding. F that.

As I was sending a scathing email to my sister ranting about what an inconsiderate boob my husband is, I got another email.

And my whole outlook changed.

A nurse of one of the boys on N’s soccer team lost her husband today. Unexpectedly. He was in his mid 30’s. He had a heart attack on his way to work and was not found until some time later. He died. Alone. On the side of the road. Ever the conscientious guy, he made sure he was fully pulled over so as not to impede other drivers.

They had been married for 3 months.

About the same amount of time we have been married. We were the only ones of the “soccer family” who were excluded from their wedding. But whatever. She lost her husband of only 3 months. 

With the medical problems R has been having I have been worried about losing him. I have considered what life would be like without him. To lose him after just a few months…minutes really, of our lives together. I would be devastated. I don’t know how I would go on. I don’t know how I would be able to put one foot in front of the other and continue to move forward in life. I fear I would become a recluse. Never leaving my bed. Never fully returning to the “real world” because my whole world would be gone.

And add to that that I would probably never see the kids again. Never. It would be funeral, and then their Mom would probably come over to take what was “theirs” from the house, and I would never see them again. As much as I complain about them, it would be hard to lose them too.

Suddenly his screw up with the ex seemed much less significant. And while I’m still angry about it my focus has changed. At least I have him. At least he’s not gone. He will be there when I get home.

When Nancy get’s home, Jim will be gone.

He won’t return.

He won’t walk in the door.

He won’t irritate her.

He won’t do or say things that drive her crazy.

And she’ll bargain with God, offering up her right arm and both legs to get him back for 3 minutes.

Did they say “I love you” when they separated this morning?

Did they kiss goodbye?

Did they make love this morning or last night?

Did they make that loving connection that she can carry with her?

Or did they argue? Did she nag him about forgetting to pick up milk yesterday? Did she “say no” out of sheer irritation or exhaustion? Did he say something nasty? Did he ride her because his shirt was not ironed or favorite pants not washed? Did they argue about how much they were spending on holiday gifts?  I hope not.

I hope their last moments together were loving. Expressing their love for each other and how desperately they wanted to stay together in that moment, but couldn’t because they had to go to work. I hope it was a moment that will allow her to hold the memory close in the years to come. That she’ll be able to hang onto the details of the moment. How did his shirt feel under her hands. His lips on hers. His bearded cheek on her soft one. The strength of his arms circling her.

Now I think of Jim. He died alone. Alone on the side of the highway watching people drive by. No one stopping. Did he think of Nancy? Did he replay their parting this morning in his head? Did he try to call her to tell her one last time that he loved her? Did he call 911? Could he have been saved if just one Good Samaritan had stopped to render aid? Would he now be in a hospital bed instead of the morgue if someone had? Was it quick and painless or did he suffer? This gentle man who attempted to cause as little suffering to others as possible.

Thank you God for letting me keep my husband for another day. I promise I won’t take it for granted. Please God give Nancy relief from her suffering sooner rather than later. Please God accept Jim into Heaven with you. He was a good guy and from my view he deserves it (but You’re in charge of who You let into Your house.) Please help Nancy. Fill her with love and memories and not sorrow and anger for the future they planned but will not exist. Fill her with hope and not longing. Please help bring her sunny personality back. Please watch over her. Amen.

I hate soccer

N plays soccer. He’s a rude, disrespectful, hateful, entitled, angry 17 year old who has no friends for a reason. He’s in a wheelchair with a degenerative muscle disease and he’s pissed at the world because of it. He hates “walkers” and thinks able bodied people are “lazy.” Add to all of this that he is not a smart kid either and you have a huge ball of stupid, ignorant, self-loathing, anger that lashes out at everyone in fear of being hurt again by other people.

One of the few things he gets any “joy” from is playing soccer. His team is quite good (despite his obvious distain for the team, his lackadaisical manner on the court, and refusal to learn plays).  He plays goalie most of the time and (by his own admission) he get’s lucky and makes some really great saves. 

Soccer is every Saturday morning, but sometimes we have tournaments. The team must play a certain number of tournaments to play in the conference cup. Last weekend we had one and this weekend we had one with the same teams. The team is good and the local teams (within 500 miles) are not so good. Our guys have their faculties and most can move their heads to see behind them. Other teams have players who are so physically disabled that it seems they can barely comprehend what is happening around them much less challenge a team with a  US Para-Olympian.

So we pound them.

And pound them.

And pound them.

But this need to win by as many goals as possible by the coach and players against obviously inferior teams is not why I hate soccer.

I hate soccer because of the other families.

The families are cliquey. Well, not so much cliquey as they exclude R and I because R’s ex made sure that they all knew that he left her for me. But that is another post. So they ignore me, turn away from me, scoot over if I sit near them. It brings flashbacks of middle school. “You can’t sit there, it’s saved. Saved. Saved. Saved.”

I hate the feeling it gives me. Like I’m worthless. I don’t know why I feel this way. Why I let them make me feel this way. But I am a people pleaser. Most of the time I don’t care what people think of me or what I do. But I don’t generally have much to worry about. I’m a nice person (for the most part), who is happy and gets along with most people. So when I enter into a situation where people don’t just ignore me but actively dislike me I have an issue.

I feel like I’m in the spotlight and judged both on the things I’ve done and those I have not done. Those things that were made up and created in a small minded person’s head. I try to be nice. I try to take the high road.  But it still makes me feel like that fat gawky middle school girl who has no friends and just wants to be accepted, not disdained and ignored.

Someone suggested as I was lamenting my lack of friends in this circle and the active dislike, that I be an even bigger version of myself. That I act happier, joyfuler (hmm..not a word), friendlier than I already do. Make sure that everyone knows the awesome rock star I am, and not the gawky kid I was that still comes out to play every now and then. But I am not that “in your face” person. I am who I am. I can’t hide that I’m hurt by their behavior.

Adrift

I feel adrift.
disconnected.
alone.

I often wonder why I feel this way. This is not the first time this incredible loneliness has swept over me.

Normally it is devastating.

The disconnection creates holes in my universe. It creates schisms in my world. Permanent separations.

I'm afraid.

The last time I felt this way I lost my job and my relationship fell apart.

How do I focus back on the connections? How do I rebuild those in my mind?

Because they ARE there. I just choose not to look at them. I choose not to see the people around me. I isolate myself.

From my family.
Friends.
Co-workers.
Everyone.

I need a change I think to myself. A change of scenery. A job change. A life change. A home in Honduras. A place in Paris. A chateau in Copenhagen. A radical change. Shaving my head. Something big...

to feel again.
To feel anything but loneliness again.

I have no right to feel this way. I have everything I have always wanted. A wonderful husband who I fought for, for 6 years. A great job at a wonderful company. A gaggle of friends. Wonderful (if not kooky) family. A birthday trip coming up. Holidays. Money enough to buy presents for everyone.

I have everything.
And nothing all at once.

He did WHAT?!?!?

My friend has a blog.

She started it a while ago and told me where it was. I don't know if she knows I still check it.

She started it when thing with them were good. She moved 1000 miles away to be with him. He was "perfect." Only once she got there she realized that he wasn't perfect. He had anger issues. He's yell. Flip out. Spew hatefulness and venom at the drop of a hat with no notice. Then he'd make a grand gesture to keep her around. They were not married.

After 18 months (1 year of living together) and she decided she couldn't take it any longer and she left. It was hard for her because the venom was even worse as she was moving. Now she's safe. She's moved to another state so she is away from it all. She is healing.

I still read her blog.

Does she know? Probably not. I'm not a registered follower.

She wrote a story about a situation similar to hers. But in it he hit her.

HIT HER!

She never told us this. I wonder...was it her he hit or was it his ex? She left him too. Dear God, please let the whole thing be made up. Now I wonder...do I ask her about this? Do I call her and admit to being a blog stalker and ask her? Would I want her to ask me?

Why do men have to hit? Why? Does it really make them feel like "men"? It disgusts me. I believe all men who hit women should be beat to death with a baseball bat. I'm disgusted. AND...

I'm so sad.

Hello November

November is here, but not yet in full swing.

My home normally gets very cold and snowy, but so far temps are still mild and as I look out the nearest window at work I can still see trees with leaves of every color in the autumnal rainbow. Brown, tan, green, yellow, orange, red. Not the bright hues that were so prevalent a few weeks ago, but a more muted and sedated palate. Almost as if the trees themselves know that they should have shed their leaves weeks ago, but hung on to them anyway. As though they too are just not ready for winter to come howling in as it typically does.

This year is the first time that I REALLY have felt a longing to move away to somewhere warm. I found a wonderful little home in Honduras. Right on the beach. 2 bedrooms for when the kids come to visit. I can dream.

Weekend with the kids is coming up, and that always fills me with excitement and disappointment. We do have fun with the kids when they come (normally) but there is so much bickering. I also hate that they come in and ruin the quiet cozy little life R and I have created. I like laying in bed talking and doing nothing on a Saturday morning. I enjoy going out dancing and coming home at 2 am. I like being able to just relax and do nothing if we choose, or go out and run errands all day without anyone saying “I’m bored” “This sucks” “Can I have X” “I’m hungry for Y”

But that was part of the package deal I married. I married him knowing what came with him. I got a readymade family. I got added responsibilities. I got $$ drains. A lies every chance she gets, N is disrespectful and rude, but M…M makes it all worthwhile.

M wears her heart on her sleeve. She is kind and generous. She is not the brightest bulb, and she forgets nearly everything, but she sees the best in people and really cares about how she makes people feel.  I’d have 10 of her if I could.

So I want to run away with R. M can visit. How bad would that be really?