I have not done much blogging lately. What’s the point, no one reads it anyway and I haven’t “needed” it to vent in a while. But just for my own edification, I thought I’d pop in an update.
It is Xmas Eve and I’m working. I didn’t want to stay home today and burn a vacation day. I have 3 left that I need for when Baby comes in a mere 3 weeks. And kids don’t come over until 3 pm anyway so what’s the point of not coming in and enjoying the quiet?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I don’t seem to need this space any longer. The only thing I can come up with is that N is no longer coming over. When A&M come over it is relaxed and really, really enjoyable. Exactly what I have needed over the last few months of pregnancy. When N is around there is a whole new level of anxiety, anger, frustration and all kinds of other negative emotions that I can’t qualify or describe.
But as it is Xmas Eve, and we have the kids for Eve this year, N is coming over. It was not until about a week or so ago that R realized that N was only coming for the gifts. It will be very interesting to see if he brings a gift for his Dad. He has a job now, so he has income and the ability to buy his Dad a gift. It is possible, but highly unlikely in my view. And this holiday I didn’t cover for him. I did over Father’s Day, but not now. He’s an “adult” and has adult responsibilities. If he doesn’t want to get his father a gift or a card, that is his issue to deal with.
I am really surprised at how much anxiety the idea of N being at our house has given me. I don’t want to be there. I’m already anticipating that it will be awful. Which makes me wonder, because I am putting this negative energy out into the world, will it come true? If I was putting positivity out there, and anticipating that it will be a GREAT visit, would that make it a great visit? The problem I have is that I can’t believe in my heart that it will be a great visit. A good visit maybe, but not a great one. I’d be happy if it was a tolerable visit. N has a way of ruining everything.
And while I sit here and think, “I’ll just check out tonight and go to my happy place” I can’t do it with just him. I am an all or nothing checker outer which isn’t fair to the girls. I just have to ignore him. I’ve done that before with good results. I just don’t want to ruin the good relationship we finally seem to be building with the girls with him out of the way by checking out of Christmas. Not to mention that it might ruin R’s Xmas too.
This stepmom thing is hard.
I am SO hopeful that Nugget is NOTHING like his brother. I try to remember that N seems nothing like Randy. But when it comes down to it, he is 50% of his father. Just like Nugget will be. I hope that Nugget is nothing like N. I will be so frustrated if he ends up like N. But R says that N is a LOT like his maternal grandfather. So I am hopeful that there is nothing I need to worry about with Nugget. I suppose only time will tell.
A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
