Home again with incredible learnings

Made it down to Tampa and back without killing anyone which was a magical feat. Kids were AWESOME. They are fantastic road trippers. They just hung out and played their video games, watched movies, and listened to music. They were great. Even the dog was a great road tripper. I couldn’t have asked for more.

The tournament went wonderfully too. N’s team defeated every team they played to come in first in the nation. This was their first year as Division 1 athletes and it was expected by all that they would end up last, or close to last. Instead their practice and drills assisted them in beating a previously undefeated team that included 3 Team USA power soccer team members. Teams of adults and college students were smashed by a team of boys ages 13-18. Everyone was in tears. It was fantastic.

The girls and I spent 2 days at the beach just the 3 of us and had a glorious time. We have tans and found a ton of shells and created memories that will last us forever.

R and N had a lot of “guy time” and really repaired a good portion of their relationship. Things are not perfect yet, but they are going in the right direction.

So what, you must be thinking (if there is anyone who reads this), made homicide a potential? I met my in-laws for the first time.

My husband has told me stories of growing up and the horrible childhood he had. His dad would hit him, his mother played favorites, he was unwanted (3^rd child and an oops at that), and to top it all off he was smarter than the rest of his family which created a lot of teasing and negativity towards him.  I truly thought that he exaggerated his childhood horrors. It couldn’t have been that bad.

Turns out, if anything, he downplayed how bad it probably was. His mother, sister, and niece showed at the tournament and tried to take the girls away with her on Father’s Day. She stated that she was taking the girls in front of N. She didn’t want him, she only wanted A&M. R refused. It was father’s day and we were going to lunch as a family. She wouldn’t tolerate that, but he was firm and he won. Once we got back she told him that he was selfish for wanting to spend father’s day with his kids and that she should have been able to take them. She expressed that our choice of restaurants was akin to “Taco Bell” and couldn’t believe that was more important than her spending time with the girls. R told her that he was tired of her cherry picking the people she wanted to spend time with and that he was done with her. He never wanted to speak to her again.

Obviously a high overview. She was rude to me. His sister was worse. I pity his niece who seemed nice but will so incredibly f’d up by these two women that she might not make it. His mother has a black heart and his sister is the devil incarnate. Not that I should be surprised. These are the people who told him that (despite hating her their entire marriage) they were on Evil Ex’s side and he should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. I should have guessed they would be exactly what he said they were.  But sometimes we need to see things first hand to truly understand.

My family is the polar opposite of these people. They are welcoming and loving and caring, if not a tad bit quirky. But we’re quirky in a good way. You will be welcomed to holidays with a hug if you have nowhere else to go, and you’ll leave family. My friends families are like this too. Ok, yes, mine is over the top friendly, but their families are friendly too. I lived happily in my little bubble for 37 years, not knowing any family who was as dysfunctional as these people. Even my ex-mother-in-law was not so bad. Looking back (with perhaps rose colored glasses on) she was socially awkward, but not intentionally cruel. She didn’t think before she spoke and had no filter, but (looking back) I don’t think she EVER meant to hurt my feelings the way she did.  The current MIL means to hurt feelings and doesn’t care.

This caused me to tell R that I fully support his carving his family out of his/our life. That MIL will never be a part of Nugget’s life. That I finally understood why he didn’t speak with them or tell them things. It’s not because he’s embarrassed by me (as I previously thought) but rather because they are horrible people.

Which makes me reflect on the man my husband has become. He was told horrible things as a child. He was called horrible things by his parents and siblings. And yet, he is the most loving and caring Dad that I have ever met. He is goofy in a way that my dad never was. He hugs on his kids and says “love to Dada” all the time. His children and I are the most important things in his life.

All from a man who knew nothing of this kind of love as a child. He would do anything for his family. His example was a man who left every night to “get away from you people” and said “if you kids come then it isn’t a vacation.” A man who told him that if abortion was legal in 1966 he wouldn’t be alive. A mother who openly favored his sister in all things and cut him down to promote his brother. Siblings who would beat him, and then beat him harder if he “told” on them. A brother who would steal from him for drugs, but was held out to be the better son. A family who would call a husky kid “rump roast” until well after he hit a growth spurt and became a bean pole thin teenager.

His ability to turn his experiences in childhood into examples of how he was NOT going to do things is incredible. I have always admired by husband, but this trip provided a new view of him. It makes me love him even more and reminds me every day why I knew it would be a good idea to have a child with him. He is a great Dad, despite not having a good role model. I love him so much.

Wish me luck

Tomorrow morning at 5 am we hit the road for Tampa. 14-16 hours in the car with 3 kids and a dog for the first leg. The rest on Thursday. Hopefully it will get us into Tampa early enough to get a bite at a beach restaurant nearby (presuming of course that there is such a thing near our hotel.) 

We are staying in Treasure Island, FL. Every year when I was a kid and teenager I would read Treasure Island as my official start to summer. What a wonderful novel. I can't wait to start it on the way down to FL and relive all the fun and adventure I had reading it when I was younger.

I hope AM&N (and baby someday) have a tradition like that that they pick up. It is a fun thing to have even as an adult. So while I can wait indefinitely to go to Tampa, I can't wait to start reading.

Brady Bunch

I hate the Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch provides an unrealistic view of what step-parenting is all about. Mr. Brady’s wife died. Mrs. Brady got a divorce. And all the kids love and respect both parents, all their siblings, Alice, and never behave badly.  I hate the Brady Bunch.

If the Brady Bunch were real this is what would happen:

    a.       The kids would all demand their own rooms and anyone who had to share would be irate about it all the time.

    b.      They would need more than just one bathroom for the 6 kids.

    c.       1 TV for the whole family would be cause for riot.

    d.      The boys would be surly and disrespectful to everyone, especially this woman who wants to take their Mom’s spot in their life.

    e.      The girls would behave similarly toward Mr. Brady.

    f.        At least one of the kids would be in counseling for something.

g.       The rest would need it.

h.      The kids would call the other parent by their first name…not Mom or Dad.

i.         At some point someone would yell “You’re not my Mom/Dad!” at the top of their lungs and run away.

j.        There would be infighting and challenging of roles by several (if not all) of the children.

k.       Mrs. Brady and Alice would be jockeying for superior position in Mr. Brady’s life.

l.         At some point one or both of these parents would say to themselves “Is this really worth it?”

So I hate the Brady Bunch. What I hate more about the Brady Bunch is that R has started to say things like “Mrs. Brady never loved her daughters more than her sons.” “Mrs. Brady didn’t think of them as your kids and my kids.”

Yeah, well Mrs. Brady also ended up with a full time housekeeper. She also lived in happy land where everyone got along and no one had to deal with a psycho ex-spouse who got the kids most of the time and was able to brainwash them constantly to hate the other parent and new step parent. The kids were not conniving, lying, spying, stealing brats who took everything that was not nailed down to the other parent’s house. Mrs. Brady didn’t have to deal with someone asking all the time to take them shopping, to the movies, for pedicures, to the amusement park, buy them this that and the other thing, etc. etc. etc. Neither of them had to deal with a idiot kid who couldn’t shut his/her mouth for more than 10 seconds.

Awww…the two oldest want to see who’s the better driver? Golly…that sounds like a problem!

I hate the Brady Bunch. And I hate Sherwood Schwartz for inventing it. (My hatred is dulled to dislike to account for Gilligan’s Island though.)

I'm gonna lose it

My hormones are completely out of whack. At least that is what I am blaming for the sob fest I had coming into work this morning.

Things seem strained at home. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is a subtle change in the vibration there. The kids came over Wednesday and we have them until the 19^th or 20^th depending on when we get back from the dreaded Tampa Trip. I can’t put my finger on it. But part of me wants to “tap out” for the weekend and just run away for a few days. Maybe he feels the same way. I just don’t know because we have not had a moment alone to talk about it.

I know I’m being neurotic but I feel dismissed. I feel unnecessary. I feel unloved. Like I’m there only for the chores I provide and for the support I provide to everyone else. But if I ask for support or if I ask for something I need, somehow I am now a pest. If I want to talk about how I feel or what I am going through I can forget it because if I’ve mentioned it once then that is enough. I get one time to say “I can’t get over how hungry I am!” and “I’m so tired.”  If I say it more than once then I’m repeating myself and I get an “I get it! You’re hungry!”  Ok geeze. Sorry for being such a pest about it. I’ll sit here and keep it all in from now on. (This “lovely” little passive aggressive tactic I learned from my darling Mother. You don’t want to hear what I have to say? Fine, I won’t say anything then.)  But in all seriousness I think he’s happier that way than with me telling him things.

I can’t talk to the kids about it because it is not a burden they should bear (much less tell their mother about) and their father is not interested in hearing about what I have to say (or so it seems) so who does that leave? Friends, yes. But not many of them know. And the ones that do, I’m getting tired of telling them the same things and not being able to confide in my husband the things I am going through, because (just like I expected) he’s done this before and has very little patience for it.

I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to be doing this with someone who has never done it before. At least then I could express what was happening and how I was feeling without feeling like I am doing battle with “what it was like with the kids.” I am so tired of hearing what the Evil Ex went through. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M A BITCH AND I DON’T CARE!

I don’t care what she did. I don’t care what she does now. You know what kids? I don’t give a damn about how she blows her nose, or what she did when you were little, or what she does now. I’m so fucking over everything about her. You can’t bring me up at her house, so you know what? New rule. You can’t bring her up here. I’m fing tired of it.

I’m hormonal. This will pass. I can’t freak out on anyone or about anything. I need to take a deep breath, find the high road, and follow it. I need to let it go. That’s my rational mind telling me what to do and how to get through this.

My hyper-irrational mind says f’em all. I’m buying a sailboat and sailing away never to be seen again. I’ll have a tan little swab to help me sail the boat in a few months. No I know nothing about sailing, no I have no idea how I would buy a boat, and no I don’t know where I would go. But does it really matter?

What I will do is go home. Take the abuse silently. Try to get through until tomorrow when I get to see some girlfriends with whom I have gone through thick and thin and I get to tell them my news. Then I can be more open with them and talk about this and lose my composure with them. I think I need a good cry…a REAL good cry, not a “I’m driving 70 down the Interstate to work and I’d better not have puffy eyes when I get there” cry.

Strange Pregnancy Pains

I’m having pregnancy pains. Not the normal ones…I’m not sick, my breasts don't hurt, my moods are generally good. No, these pains are in my heart and are related to other people.

I have a good friend in my life with whom I shared my news. I have another friend that I am hesitant to tell at all. We’ll call them A and B.

B and I have been friends for nearly 10 years. We started working together and formed a friendship outside of work. I care for her very much. We went through divorces together, we got new long term boyfriends the same month, the boys left us in the same month. We worked together to get over them. The difference is mine came back and he’s now my husband. She has not gotten over her boyfriend. She works a lot now and admits to doing it to fill time so she doesn’t think about him. We don’t see each other much anymore. She doesn’t seem to want to see me. Now I have this news that I want to share with her. And I don’t know how.

A and I have been friends for 4 years. When I went through a nasty breakup with R, she was there for me. She helped to lift me up. During that time she met Mr. Angry. Mr. Angry wasn’t angry when she first met him. He hid it well back then. He was rich, handsome, and always up for an adventure. He was larger than life, much like A is. They were super happy. I was happy for her, but I was sad for me. Really sad. It was hard being happy for her, but I was in the depths of my soul I was so very, very happy for her. Then R came back and we got back on track. A moved to Colorado to be with Mr. Angry. Then Mr. Angry showed his true colors and was angry. A stayed with him for a while. She tried so hard to make it work, but it didn’t. Mr. Angry had broken it. So A left him and went to California. Then A returned to our state and is living here again.

I have told A. Now she’s distant. She won’t look at me. She has lost her shiny shiny. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t expect this from her. I expect it from B. But not from A. I sent her an email saying that I hope my telling her didn’t cause this distance. Her friendship means too much to me to have something come between it without trying to fix it. I just don’t know what else to do. She has not responded.

I know she hated being a stepmom as much as she loved it. She liked being a resource for Angry’s kids. She thought about kids for herself. She would be a good mom, but is 42 and thinks that ship has sailed. Angry’s youngest kid still contacts her. This makes her sad most of the time. She hates seeing all the family stuff that goes on this time of year with graduation parties and family trips, etc. because she is seeing what she is “missing.” Since she left to be with Angry, I’ve gotten married and another close friend of hers is dating someone pretty seriously. Things changed while she was gone. I think the changes are hard for her. I just don’t know what to do.

I’m generally the kind of person who can be genuinely happy for someone even if I am secretly wishing it was happening to me. Being happy for other people’s successes does not diminish my successes. They might be having a success before me. That’s ok. Life is a unique journey for everyone and everyone gets their successes at different times. Sending negativity out into the world is not helpful to anyone. Jealousy is a form of negativity.

I know most people are not like this. I thought A was. I know B is, even though it hurts. But it is so hard. I knew pregnancy would be painful, but to have people in my life not want to talk to me, or be so hurt by my telling them big news in my life, is worse than I ever expected. I know I can’t be the only person going through this. But with 2 good friends I can’t tell/shouldn’t have told it just makes me so sad.

It makes my heart hurt.

8 days and counting

This weekend we did a little road trip. From our town to Joplin, MO then to Tulsa, OK and back home. A mere 12 hours in the car home. Oy. I’m still tired but it was good practice for the two of us for next week.

We leave next week (6/13) to go to Tampa for N’s power soccer tournament. Whoever decided that Tampa in June was a good idea is crazy. But alas, we’re going. I’m sure it will be fine, but the kids seem to think that because we’re driving down there, it is a super cheap trip. I’ve tried to impress upon them that it is not. That the hotel is very expensive, the gas is expensive, the hotel rooms on the way down and back are expensive. The whole thing sucks. But we can’t not take them. I expect we’ll end up paying more for this trip than we pay Evil Ex in child support for a month.

Speaking of Evil Ex, she goes on vacation starting tomorrow night, which means we will have the kids from Tuesday 6/5 through at least 6/19 and probably 6/20. Why someone would leave on vacation prior to their kids last day of school is a mystery to me. But evidently a trip to Mexico to see a band they’ve seen 50 times before is more important. Regardless, we’ll get to celebrate the end of the school year with them and she’s going to miss it. And we’ll still be the bad guys, the horrible people, the ones who screw everything up, the ones with the most evil intent. Whatever.

Can you tell I’m in a mood? Must be the hormones.

Speaking of hormones, baby seems to be doing just fine. No sickness (a bit of nausea, but not too much) and I’m tired, but otherwise I’m clicking along. It will be interesting to see the kids tomorrow after being with their mom for 4 days. The Tuesday after her weekend is always bad. Hopefully they’ll get through it quickly. But we’ll see. I’m interested to see if they are as protective as they were last weekend, or if they are ambivalent (as I expect them to be.) Only time will tell.