Running in place

Being a stepmom is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. And right now it is as challenging as it ever has been.

R and I are still going through his work issues. We both want to leave. Desperately. BUT…

And of course the BUT = A&M. R and I were having lunch together yesterday and it was a very depressing lunch. We both want to leave. We both know that it would be the best idea for us and Baby. We both know we would be happy, could find jobs, and live a good quiet life in relative peace. A&M could come down in the summers, spring break, and every other Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We could make this work. I know we could. A&M would be upset at first, but they would figure it out. They sure don’t seem to miss us much when we don’t see them now, so why would a few 1000 miles change anything?

I know.

It would change everything.  We were discussing it yesterday at lunch. R was visibly despondent. I suggested selling the house, moving back into the townhouse I own (and am currently renting), and we stay for the next 6 years. R will need to get another job, and we’ll need to find daycare, but in the townhouse we can do it. Then we move after A&M graduate. This is the best thing for us. I know it is. R won’t feel guilty 10 years from now when the girls get married and don’t invite us because Evil Ex has poisoned them against us to the point of no return. We’re the adults. We should be the ones to deal with the heartache and frustration, not them.

But will we end up resenting them as they complain about everything, tell us how awful we are, and then turn around and ask for money? Will we look at each other and know the other is thinking “We made a mistake.”

Neither of us want to sell our house and move into the townhouse. It would feel like failure. My family is judgmental. Saying that N won’t be spending time with us and that is the reason we bought the big house would be a waste of breath and time. They would judge. So we have to deal with that. If we just leave, we don’t have to deal with them either. Instead we have to deal with the anger of giving my parents their first grandchild and then moving away with it.

Frankly we can’t win.

I’m so tired of this. I am tired of trying to fix mess. I’m tired of looking at houses we won’t buy. I am tired of stressing out about a move that we won’t make. I’m tired of looking around the house and fictitiously selling things we don’t need. I’m tired of taking photos of things we should be selling and having him never list them. I am tired of listening to him talk about potentially losing another client. I’m tired of listening to him say he can’t find another job because of this issue.  I’m tired of him saying how this decision would be so much easier if the kids were older. I’m tired of not knowing what our next step will be. I’m tired of the indecision. I’m tired of not having a plan.

If it were up to me, I’d move. I’d leave the kids here and move. They’ll be fine. But that is easy to say when they are not your kids. I know the right thing to do is suck it up and stay. But if R wants to go, I’m ready.

Rough Patch

Things have been really crazy at home lately. R got into some trouble at work a little over a year ago, and it is coming to a head now. (Given his industry this is not atypical.) The trouble got reported in the local paper and he’s upset by that. He’s lost his biggest client, however the rest seem to be sticking around (knock on wood.)

Add to that that R got some paperwork from the court system that N’s mother (Evil Ex) is going to be N’s SOLE guardian after he turns 18. R was quite upset by this, but filed paperwork to ask for joint guardianship. He talked to N about this this weekend and N told him that he didn’t want R to be a joint guardian because he left Evil Ex. He hates us and can't wait until he doesn't "have" to come over to our house.

Add to this that the kids were terrors this weekend. Disrespectful, rude, and sassy (not in a good way). They would tell us how awful we made their lives and how unfair we are, only to turn around and ask us to buy them things. WTF.

All of this creates a very unhappy and stressed out R. Which makes me stressed out, angry, and unhappy right along with him. To the point that we’re talking about running away. Selling everything, house, fun cars, motorcycles, and anything else that is unnecessary, and buying a small house in a Southwestern American state. Getting easy jobs with low stress and just living a simpler life with Baby.

The problem with all of this is AM&N. Ok, so N doesn’t want to have anything to do with us. Fine. We can’t change how he feels. But A&M are 12, almost 13. This is a tough age and since Evil Ex is so…well, evil, we can’t expect her to not brainwash them for 9 or 10 months out of the year and then have them come visit in the summer and expect everything to go hunky dory. And R doesn’t want to leave them. He doesn’t want to abandon them and go “start a new family” someplace else. I get that. It’s not fair to them.

The other problem with us leaving is my parents. J&B have been wanting grandkids for almost 20 years. Now they are faced with getting exactly what they want, and we’re going to up and move away. That’s not fair either.

So we end up between a rock and a hard place. Not happy here, but unable to leave. Wanting to leave, but unable to do so. When do we decide to stop catering to other people and look at our family and what is best for us? My guess is in about 6 or 7 years after A&M are graduated from high school we’ll run away. But that is a long time from now. I don’t know that R can stand it that long. I don’t think he can hold up that long. But I suppose we will see.

Dodging bullets

Every now and then there is a day that is incredible. Incredible for small things, not something big like winning the lottery, but small things that add up to a big thing feeling.

Today is that day.

It started out rough. I picked a fight with R and then I pushed it on rather than getting over it. I was crabby and made him feel bad. That is not a very nice thing to do. Despite this, he was cheerful and pleasant towards me. I truly don’t deserve him. He is a good man and sometimes I don’t treat him the way I would like to be treated. He dropped me off at work and I moved on.

A set of my old college friends had their 15^th wedding anniversary yesterday. They posted pictures of the bridal party in which my ex-husband and I were happily a part. It was a wonderful wedding. My ex commented on her post as did his girlfriend. I would say his “new girlfriend” but she’s not new. They’ve been together for 6 or 7 years now. I clicked on her facebook page and scrolled through her wall. Looking at the posts she made, and then his responses to them. All I could think was, “Wow. I dodged a bullet.” He’s the same guy he was in that picture from 15 years ago. He has not changed. He has not grown up in the least.

Leaving my ex was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. He wasn’t mean, he didn’t cheat, he had a job and a car, and we had  a house. He didn’t drink to excess, do drugs, or beat me. But he was absent. He played video games. A LOT of video games. I would joke that he could get everything he needed from the computer, so he certainly didn’t need me. Then I came to realize that this was true. He didn’t need me. I was there to clean house, mow the yard, wash clothes, cook meals, etc. Beyond that I had no value to him. So I left.

People would ask why, and I would explain that he stopped giving a damn about me. They would look at me like I was crazy. They knew me and knew I didn’t need to be treated like a princess, and they just couldn’t understand. But I knew I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t do that forever. I owed it to myself (and him) to break it off instead of wallowing in this miserable situation. It was hard, but it was worth it.

The second incredible thing that happened was that a got a lot of what I needed for free. I have been writing my husband love notes since we got married. One a month discussing what happened that month and a quality of his that I love. They are on the computer and I needed some stationary to transcribe them onto. The problem is that I rarely get 10 free minutes to go to a stationary store for something like this. So in a moment of brilliance I went to our onsite FedEx/Kinko’s.  I explained what I was doing and what I needed and not only was I given more paper (cut in ½ so it is more like stationary) than I needed, I also got it for free. “Happy anniversary. Pay it forward” she said with a smile.

I pay things forward a lot. More than most I think. I’ll pay for the child’s candy behind me in line. Buy a strangers lunch because I accidentally walked in front of them. Pay for a coffee for someone else. They are little things, but I like to think that they mean something to the person who got it. So to have someone pay it forward to me, is really wonderful. Incredible even.

I am so lucky.