no kids this weekend

which is good because I need some sleep. I want DH to wisk me away to a small cabin on a lake with no TV where we can just relax and rejuvenate.

But that won't happen. Not because he's not wonderful like that, but because we just have too much going on.

Conversation with him last night regarding a baby was good. Told him about my dream and we decided to discuss it again at the end of the year. If we're both in a place of "a baby would be great, but not having one would be fine too" we'll go off the pill and just see what happens. We won't "try" to force it, but we'll just keep on keeping on and see if the Universe gives us a baby. If it does, GREAT. If not, well we tried and it's ok.

I feel good about this.

Baby no baby

For the past 6-9 months he has been wanting (no begging) for a baby. Wanting one with me, not jus this ex.
I've never been a baby girl.
Never got baby fever.
Kids were not by bag, baby.

But he convinced me.
On our honeymoon I accidentally forgot my pills. Nothing happened, but I hoped. And I was sad when it didn't happen.

Now, last night, he says he's come to like the life we have. Able to leave at a moments notice and go anywhere and do anything. That a baby just wouldn't be a good idea. Sure. Now that you've convinced me, you don't want it any more.

I had a dream last night. It was our son, Pierce (yeah, we'd already picked out a name.)

He came to say goodbye to me. Telling me that he was going to go be with another family. That the decision had been made. We were not going to be together. He had the opportunity to go live with another family. He was going to take it. He knew he'd be happy and well cared for. That he'd be loved. That he loved me and had hoped we would be together but it wasn't going to happen. Then he hugged me and left.

I woke up crying.

How did this woman come to be? How did she suddenly inhabit my body? How did this desire for a baby come about?

And why...as soon as I was ready for it...did he change his mind?

New love

A friend of mine is finding new love.  She had bad old love. Very bad. Abusive. He was awful.

Now someone has come back into her life to potentially give her new love. I love this for her. She deserves it.

I hope it goes better with this one than with the last. I don't know if it will. She blames the falling apart of all her relationships on the other person. What is the common denominator though? It her.

Which makes me look at myself and see what I can change to ensure success in the future.
What is it that I do that causes me to be less successful at something?
What can I change?
How can I ensure that I am not the common denominator?
How can I embrace the change that I need to make?