Running in place

Being a stepmom is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. And right now it is as challenging as it ever has been.

R and I are still going through his work issues. We both want to leave. Desperately. BUT…

And of course the BUT = A&M. R and I were having lunch together yesterday and it was a very depressing lunch. We both want to leave. We both know that it would be the best idea for us and Baby. We both know we would be happy, could find jobs, and live a good quiet life in relative peace. A&M could come down in the summers, spring break, and every other Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We could make this work. I know we could. A&M would be upset at first, but they would figure it out. They sure don’t seem to miss us much when we don’t see them now, so why would a few 1000 miles change anything?

I know.

It would change everything.  We were discussing it yesterday at lunch. R was visibly despondent. I suggested selling the house, moving back into the townhouse I own (and am currently renting), and we stay for the next 6 years. R will need to get another job, and we’ll need to find daycare, but in the townhouse we can do it. Then we move after A&M graduate. This is the best thing for us. I know it is. R won’t feel guilty 10 years from now when the girls get married and don’t invite us because Evil Ex has poisoned them against us to the point of no return. We’re the adults. We should be the ones to deal with the heartache and frustration, not them.

But will we end up resenting them as they complain about everything, tell us how awful we are, and then turn around and ask for money? Will we look at each other and know the other is thinking “We made a mistake.”

Neither of us want to sell our house and move into the townhouse. It would feel like failure. My family is judgmental. Saying that N won’t be spending time with us and that is the reason we bought the big house would be a waste of breath and time. They would judge. So we have to deal with that. If we just leave, we don’t have to deal with them either. Instead we have to deal with the anger of giving my parents their first grandchild and then moving away with it.

Frankly we can’t win.

I’m so tired of this. I am tired of trying to fix mess. I’m tired of looking at houses we won’t buy. I am tired of stressing out about a move that we won’t make. I’m tired of looking around the house and fictitiously selling things we don’t need. I’m tired of taking photos of things we should be selling and having him never list them. I am tired of listening to him talk about potentially losing another client. I’m tired of listening to him say he can’t find another job because of this issue.  I’m tired of him saying how this decision would be so much easier if the kids were older. I’m tired of not knowing what our next step will be. I’m tired of the indecision. I’m tired of not having a plan.

If it were up to me, I’d move. I’d leave the kids here and move. They’ll be fine. But that is easy to say when they are not your kids. I know the right thing to do is suck it up and stay. But if R wants to go, I’m ready.