Baby fears

Baby fears...they are not small ones, just ones I have about baby and baby coming, etc. I wish they were little fears (and really they are to most people) but they're not to me.

So baby news...baby is 13 weeks today and is healthy (genetically speaking.) We had a special ultrasound to determine the likelihood of Downs Syndrome and all signs point to no. The ultrasound was really interesting. When I see baby in there all I can think of is Alien and "the scene" when it explodes out of the guy's chest. Where I should see our darling child and feel incredible love, all I feel is fear.

Fear that my diet is not good enough (it's not.) Fear of baby coming out (this one is intense.) Fear of a problem between now and delivery. Fear of pain. Fear of not being a good mother. Fear of not feeling that "feeling" that parents describe of instant love and connection. Fear of not knowing what to do and of R thinking less of me because I don't and "I should." Fear that the baby won't like me (silly I know). Fear that I might kill R while he has that stupid video camera in my face.

Fear that R's ex will schedule her upcoming wedding to interfere with the time of year baby is coming. Yeah, I said it. I'm concerned that she is so petty that she will schedule her wedding for the end of January just to go on honeymoon and leave the kids with us around the time I should go into labor. It would be her way of making sure I know that R's first priority should be THEIR kids, not this child. With N being in a wheelchair R would need to be home to get him on the toilet and in bed. What if he had to leave the hospital to get N in to or out of bed? What if baby came during that time and he missed it? I'd never forgive him. He'd never forgive himself.

Thus the reason I am adamant about getting a c-section. Many of my fears are self imposed ones. They are internal ones that I need to get over. The baby will like me...I'll be baby's source of food for heaven's sake. I'll be a fine mother...perhaps not Mother of the Year, but only one is each year which leaves lots of us left over. I will feel that "feeling." I felt it once for a puppy, I'll feel it for a child. I know there will be no problem between now and delivery that R and I can't manage together. The video camera might be broken at some point, but we can get a new one. ;)

But Evil Ex is a significant concern. She is petty. She is cruel. She told A that the only reason R wants a boy is because he wants one that can walk. What's worse than that is that A believed her. She will ensure that A&M will hate the baby if she can. She will tell them that baby is not their sibling (but her fiancé's kid is.) She will point out that R will treat baby differently than NA&M, which will happen since baby will live with us full time, and that it is because he loves baby more than them. Yes, she is that awful.

I have come to expect the worst from her, and she still manages to astound me with her cruelty, anger, hatred, and resentment. She is so angry at R and me for so many perceived slights and imagined actions. I truly wonder how she can marry someone when she still harbors so much feeling towards R, even if it is anger. If her fiancé is really that fabulous, then shouldn't she be happy that she and R are not together? Shouldn't she look at it and say, "Wow, that sucked as I was going through it, but am I glad he left so I could find this one!!" I think she should, but she doesn't. If she lets go of her anger then she is no longer the "left spouse" and she loses her identity. I am quite concerned about what will happen when N passes and she is no longer the "mother of a disabled child" either.

But I try to put this to the side and not think about it. Not worry about it. I can only control the things I can control and a lot of this baby stuff is out of my control. I can control my diet (although I don't do it well), my fears, my delivery experience, my responses to the kids, my responses to Evil Ex, even my responses to R.

I can't control what Evil Ex or kids might do/say now or after baby comes, mental or physical problems with baby, my parents, other people's expectations, the video camera, or the holder of the same. I can only control my responses to these things. So I try to control the things I can, and I am trying to release the things I can't.

Easier said than done.