Packing in my mind

From no blog entries to a crazy number. I guess I forgot how helpful it is to get your thoughts out of your head.

A few weeks ago I interviewed for a new job in a new state. Anyone who has read the blog (oh, wait, no one does) knows that R and I discussed moving south some time ago as a result of his work issues. The job I interviewed for is in the new state. Company flew me down, put me up in a nice hotel, got me a car, the whole she-bang. Then a week later I filled out forms for a background check. Then a week later they had me take a personality test. And now nothing. I’ve made the follow up phone calls and emails and have been told, next week. Well, next week is here and still nothing.

So I am a bit sad and I am stuck wondering what I did wrong. I appreciate that I may have done nothing wrong. Working for a BIG company, I know that sometimes the hiring plan gets kyboshed, the role gets eliminated, or the time frame just changes. Hiring can be hard. They may have found a better fit for their company. And that is cool. I want them to find the right person for the job, and the kind loving adult in me says if that is not me, then so be it. They need the right person, and if I am not the right person, right now, then maybe I will be someday. Regardless, something better will come along if this was not meant to be. But the 4 year old in me really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wants the right person to be me!

The “What if’s” have really been plaguing me. What if I really came across as a dufus? What if they called someone and that someone said bad things about me? What if they thought my credit was too bad to hire me? (Yes, they checked that too and I have a lot of credit card debt.) What if they saw that photo on Facebook that I was tagged in? What if they found this blog and didn’t like what they saw? What if my personality test said I was an idiot ax murderer who wouldn’t know which was the sharp end? And the biggest:

What if they saw through me and realized I really am a dufus?  What if they figured out that I really have been faking it for the last 15 years?

So I sit. And I wait.

Every time my phone rings I jump.

Nope, Target Pharmacy. Nope, Mom wanting to know what we’re up to. Nope, just hubby. All people and places I want to talk to as well, but I really, really, REALLY want to talk to Dave, or Daniel, or Tim. I feel like a racehorse in the

gates waiting for the pistol to be shot. Waiting for the gate to swing open, so I can take off. But it won't open. I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

But it has now been long enough that I wonder, do I want to talk to them? Do I want to hear from them now? Yes, if they are calling to offer me a job. But if they are calling to say “thanks, but no thanks” then I’d rather just get an email (which I have also been checking incessantly making everyone around me crazy.) I’ve convinced myself that I have not gotten the job. That way when they confirm my feelings, it won’t hurt so much.

But I still have hope.

Hope is such a dangerous thing. Hope will make you clutch things to your chest like a child clutches a teddy bear. I hope. That small flame in the back of my head. I still see it flickering. It has not gone out. Will they blow it out? Will it continue to flicker with no news either way? Or will it rage into a wildfire upon hearing that I got the job?

Hope.

I’ve sold and resold in my mind nearly everything in the house to get ready to move. In my mind I’ve packed clothes up for goodwill. Sweaters? Won’t need those where I’m going! I’ve made lists in my head of what basics we’ll need in an apartment for 6 months to a year. I’ve decided that a year would be better because then we could pay off some debt while keeping our living expenses low. I’ve debated the benefits of a studio versus one versus two bedrooms. Apartments versus condos versus townhomes versus single family homes. Pools versus no pool. Amenities versus cheaper rent. Cheaper rent versus safety. And location, location, location.

I’ve given my notice in my head more times than I can count. I’ve thrown my badge at my boss and screamed “I quit!” once or twice too. I’ve told my team a million different ways that I am leaving for sunnier pastures. I’ve dreamt of getting an offer and being given a lay-off notice the next day with 6 months of pay.  I’ve got every file I am working on totally up to date so that I can give notice without guilt or extra stress.

And yet I wait.

Tapping my toe in the gate.

Waiting.

Looking at my watch.

Keyed up.

Waiting, but trying not to wait.

I wait because I am afraid of calling. They are 2 hours behind and I can make a lot of excuses. I can’t call now because they just got in! Gotta give ‘em time to get rolling. I can’t call now they’re at lunch! Can’t seem desperate, but need to let them know I am interested. I’m afraid because I’m worried that they’ll say no.

This is why I hate job hunting. It feels like dating. I really like this position. I mean I like like, it. Should I call them again? Should I email? Am I coming across too strong? What if they smell desperation on me? Maybe I should play it cool. But I CAN’T!! I have a really hard time masking my feelings. I want this job so badly I can taste it. Anyone who knows about my interview can see it in me. Even A&M who don’t know about the interview, can tell that something is on my mind. They can see that I’m distracted.

So I intentionally don’t answer the phone. I put it away. I try to forget it. But that is like trying to forget

that you have a hippopotamus in your living room. When my phone battery dies I think, well, that was when they tried to call. I power up and…no such luck. Still nothing.

So I wait.

With my cup of hope held close.

Still packing in my mind.

Mom's Day

How do I explain to my husband/mother/father/sister/friends who are so excited about it being my “first mother’s day” that this article speaks to my heart, without offending them?

http://www.salon.com/2010/05/08/hate_mothers_day_anne_lamott/

Maybe it is because I was 38 when I had him and experienced years of being told by society that I was “less of a woman” because I didn’t have a child, even though I felt complete as a person. Maybe because I was a step-mom first and felt the raw hurt of being excluded regardless of my contribution to their lives. Maybe it is because I shy away from the saccharine sweet forced feeling of the day. Maybe it is just because I see mothers in all my friends who have cuddled Pierce close…that look that even though he came from my body, they would still do anything to keep him safe in that moment. Isn’t that what makes a mother? The feeling of love and knowing you would do what you had to, to keep this small being safe?

Patience is not a virtue I have

I have been away for a long time. Had a baby in January and P is wonderful. J I am a blissful, if exhausted, new mom. He’s 3.5 months now and eating and growing like crazy. A friend told me that when she had a child the child filled a hole that she didn’t know she even had. I truly understand that now. Because he does fill a void I didn’t know existed. His smile warms my heart and his giggles are like sunshine.

On the stepkid front things are good. Since N has not been around (he has not even seen baby P yet) things are great. Our relationship with the girls has gotten so much better now that there is not that poison dripping in their ears while they are here. Additionally, A&M love P. I mean LOVE P. Which is absolutely wonderful. It took some getting used to on my end. Most new mom’s don’t need to worry about the additional balancing that is required when a stepmom becomes a mom on her own. Sharing my baby is hard. But thanks to a wonderful stepmom’s support group here in my city, I was reminded that they want to hold him because they want to be involved. And involved is better than not caring at all. Which they were all right about.

Things have gotten interesting again. Evil Ex is engaged to a Bum and has been since just after we announced we were having a baby. We’ve always thought he was a Bum, but the kids thought he was the Bomb…at first. Fast forward 2 years and he who was the Bomb is now a Bum. Last weekend kids were at Evil Ex’s house and were supposed to go to their friends house for a sleep over, but Friend’s mom asked them to go to A&M’s house instead. So all 3 girls are in A’s room doing whatever it is that 13 year old girls do, and Bum’s son (S) is trying to get into the room. The girls have wedged a chair under the knob (hmmm…not sure who taught them that...oh yeah, me, because he was trying to get into their rooms when they were changing) to keep him out. S’s banging and kicking the door and they finally open it because they think he’s going to break the door. They tell him to go away, and he runs to Bum and Evil Ex and tattles that A&M won’t let him come into A’s room with them. 

Bum begins dressing down A&M to S (in front of Evil Ex) and in hearing of the girls and Friend.  Friend essentially says, is this normal, because this sucks. And the girls say yes it is and Evil Ex never stands up for them.  The conversation goes on and Friend evidentially is quite outspoken about how Bum is being a jerk and how absurd the whole thing is. The girls then go down stairs and Bum starts in on them directly (in front of Friend) about how they need to be more family focused and they need to include S because he’s their brother and they are being rude, mean spirited, drama queens.  All in front of Evil Ex who says nothing. 

The girls then went to Friend’s house and slept over there. Friend’s mom said, whatcha doing here? The kids explain what happened and Friend’s mom then starts in about how Bum’s an asshat and shouldn’t be treating the girls that way, that discipline should be Evil Ex’s job not his because he’s not their dad, and she should stand up for her kids, not cow to him.

Sunday when the girls came home Evil Ex tries to be all nicey nice to them and A essentially says screw off and storms away. Later A asks Evil Ex if she really wants to marry Bum. Evil Ex says yes. A asks why, you don’t love him. She goes on to tell Evil Ex that she could do better and that the only reason Evil Ex is marrying Bum is because Evil Ex doesn’t want to be alone. Evil Ex said, “I love him and so do you. Got it?”

Interesting.

This lead to a really interesting weekend with the SD’s. They are speaking their minds a lot to us regarding Bum. They marry on 5/25. Evidentially Bum told the girls that on 5/26 things are going to change around there and he’s going to go “all medieval on them.”  They didn’t know what that meant (frankly nor do I) but my guess is that he’s going to be pulling the “I’m the man and you will obey me” thing. R thinks it means that he will start hurting the girls. Urban Dictionary seems to support R’s understanding of this phrase, which scares the crapola out of me. Evil Ex doesn’t stand up for her daughters, and N has evidentially said that he rather be at Dad’s house. Hmm…

Evil Ex has been openly nasty to R and I (obviously, given her nickname here.) But I pity her a little right now. I voiced this to R after A&M went back to Evil Ex’s last night. He loudly disagreed with me and I get where he’s coming from. She’s tried to poison the kids against him from the start, and tells lies about us to anyone who will listen. But between us, I still feel bad for her. I feel bad that she is not secure enough in herself that she can be single instead of settling for this oaf she’s marrying. I feel bad that she doesn’t feel that she can speak up and tell him to stop yelling at her kids and focus on his own.

Should I feel bad? Probably not. She’s cruel to me and to R. But…but…but…A&M. They have to deal with her and Bum. They’ll have to deal with him every day once he moves in (which evidentially won’t be for a while still but, whatever). They will have to live in a house with him where he will rule with an iron fist, openly favoring his child over them. Unnecessarily punishing them because they are acting like 13 year old girls. They are not acting rudely or with malice, but they want privacy and they don’t want to play with a dopy 10 year old when their friends are over.

Add to that, what do we do if N decides he wants to come back? We’ve always said that he is welcome, but rarely have meant it.  I told A&M this as we were talking about Bum and what is happening. Later (outside of hearing of A&M) R stated that he wasn’t sure he wanted to let N come back. R told N that he was hitching his wagon to Evil Ex and that we were done and N said he understood that. But can you really understand that at 17/18 years old? He’s not a bright kid. Regardless I think the way we could get around this is to make sure that N understands that if he does not follow our rules then he will not be welcome any longer. He won’t be able to treat everyone with respect, so it will be short lived if it ever even happens. N has a LOT of pride and I don’t think that he’ll voluntarily come over if there are not gifts for him.

Throw in problems at work, and waiting to hear if I got a new job or not in another state, and things are so chaotic around here that it is not surprising that I had to come back to the blogosphere. I just need to remember that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. I just need to be patient…but patience is not a virtue I have.

Xmas

I have not done much blogging lately. What’s the point, no one reads it anyway and I haven’t “needed” it to vent in a while. But just for my own edification, I thought I’d pop in an update.

It is Xmas Eve and I’m working. I didn’t want to stay home today and burn a vacation day. I have 3 left that I need for when Baby comes in a mere 3 weeks. And kids don’t come over until 3 pm anyway so what’s the point of not coming in and enjoying the quiet?

I’ve been trying to figure out why I don’t seem to need this space any longer. The only thing I can come up with is that N is no longer coming over. When A&M come over it is relaxed and really, really enjoyable. Exactly what I have needed over the last few months of pregnancy. When N is around there is a whole new level of anxiety, anger, frustration and all kinds of other negative emotions that I can’t qualify or describe.

But as it is Xmas Eve, and we have the kids for Eve this year, N is coming over. It was not until about a week or so ago that R realized that N was only coming for the gifts. It will be very interesting to see if he brings a gift for his Dad. He has a job now, so he has income and the ability to buy his Dad a gift. It is possible, but highly unlikely in my view. And this holiday I didn’t cover for him. I did over Father’s Day, but not now. He’s an “adult” and has adult responsibilities. If he doesn’t want to get his father a gift or a card, that is his issue to deal with.

I am really surprised at how much anxiety the idea of N being at our house has given me. I don’t want to be there. I’m already anticipating that it will be awful. Which makes me wonder, because I am putting this negative energy out into the world, will it come true? If I was putting positivity out there, and anticipating that it will be a GREAT visit, would that make it a great visit? The problem I have is that I can’t believe in my heart that it will be a great visit. A good visit maybe, but not a great one. I’d be happy if it was a tolerable visit. N has a way of ruining everything.

And while I sit here and think, “I’ll just check out tonight and go to my happy place” I can’t do it with just him. I am an all or nothing checker outer which isn’t fair to the girls. I just have to ignore him. I’ve done that before with good results. I just don’t want to ruin the good relationship we finally seem to be building with the girls with him out of the way by checking out of Christmas. Not to mention that it might ruin R’s Xmas too.

This stepmom thing is hard.

I am SO hopeful that Nugget is NOTHING like his brother. I try to remember that N seems nothing like Randy. But when it comes down to it, he is 50% of his father. Just like Nugget will be. I hope that Nugget is nothing like N. I will be so frustrated if he ends up like N. But R says that N is a LOT like his maternal grandfather. So I am hopeful that there is nothing I need to worry about with Nugget. I suppose only time will tell.

                                                                                           

A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Was that a shoe dropping?

What we expected to happen finally did. N (through Evil Ex) has made the decision not to come to our house anymore. He turns 18 in one month, and last weekend N and R had it out about a lot of things. R reminded N that when he turned 18 he could decide whether he wanted to come over any more, but that we could also decide whether he was welcome. After nearly a week of not seeing each other (N stayed at his mother’s during visitation last week) the decision has been made that he will stay there from now on.

So the decision is made. I am happy that the cancer will be out of our house from here on out. But I am a bit sad too. I also feel a lot of guilt because I am happy he won’t be coming over. N caused a lot of tension, anxiety, frustration, and more than a little anger when he was at our house. So NOT having that will be a blessing. BUT…

But he had his moments. Moments when he was really fun. When he was considerate and kind. When he was funny. When he had relevant things to say about what we were discussing and would add to the conversation. There will be a hole in my heart. A small one, but still a hole that only he will be able to fill.

I guess I presumed I’d get to see him at least one more time before this happened. But that seems not to be the case. I feel guilty saying “c’est la vie” but really, what’s done is done and I can’t change it. I just have to deal with it. I never expected that being a step mom would create so many opportunities to bite my tongue.

It will be interesting to wait to see if the other shoe drops and if the girls will treat us poorly because of N's decision and Evil Ex's further bashing of us (which I am confident is occurring). It should be very interesting.

Add to this drama that my mother had knee replacement surgery a week ago. She’s doing great and while progress is slow in her rehab, it is there and so we’re all happy about that.

Nugget is also doing well (or so I can only assume.) He’s kicking around and generally making himself known. I am so interested and excited to meet this kid. I can’t wait to see what he looks like. I can’t wait to see what his temperament is like. I can’t wait to see what he enjoys and what he doesn’t. What kinds of food he likes and what he doesn’t.   I’m also downright terrified about having this child. But that is a post for another day.

I guess I don't know what I want

It’s a boy!

We had our anatomy ultrasound last Friday and found out we’re having a boy. We are awfully excited about having a boy. While everyone says “all we want is a normal healthy baby” and everyone means it 100%, I think there is a hope of one gender over the other. There was for us anyway. And we wanted a boy.

I had concerns about having a girl. I was a tomboy as a kid, teased/bullied relentlessly as a tween, and had such self-esteem issues as a teen and young adult that having a girl was concerning. I know she would not have the life I had, it could have been much worse for her, or much better. But, girls now are much worse than girls were back in the day. Boys are not as cruel it seems. And if they are, a few punches resolves the issue.

I have many hopes for our little man.

I hope he has:

His father’s intelligence, wit, sense of humor, metabolism, work ethic, and eyes

My empathy, compassion, common sense, adventuresome nature, and quick smile

Athleticism – I’m not saying I want an NFL star, but I want him to be athletic enough to keep up with his peers

Focus

Determination

Commitment

My father’s (his grandfather’s) sense of right and wrong, and unwillingness to compromise or lie

I also hope he:

Is kind and respectful

Knows right from wrong

Is happy

Is smart

Is not intolerant of other people or other lifestyles

Finds a career he loves

Finds a person he loves even more to spend his life with

Understands that EVERYONE deserves respect

Says please and thank you…to everyone

Regrets only the stupid things he did, rather than the chances he did not take

I hope he has some challenges too. You can’t have a life of pleasure without a bit of pain. But I hope that the pain he has in life is manageable and that he knows he can work through it. I hope his heart is broken so he knows how to treat someone with compassion when it is not a good fit. I hope he fails a few times, because a life without failure is a life without chance. I hope when these things happen, he lifts himself up, dusts himself off and continues on. You cannot wallow in failure or on the road of life for too long without becoming stuck. I hope he realizes that his dad and I did our best and that everything we did really was in his best interest, even if he didn’t think so at the time.

Will he be a “car guy” like dad? Or will he be a “reader” like mom? Will he have my self-esteem issues like mom? Will he be so focused on a tree that he can’t see the forest like dad? Will he be mean like his paternal grandparents? Will he be judgmental like his maternal grandmother? Will he love to travel like his parents, or be a homebody? Will he walk around in a daze like M? Will he be ignorant like N? Will he be a manipulator like A? What if he is not healthy? What if he has cancer? Autism? Or any of the millions of other problems that kids get nowadays? R already has a special needs child.

I guess time will only tell what kind of person he will be.

All I want is a normal healthy kid. Hmm…maybe I was wrong. Maybe all I really want IS a normal healthy baby.

Running in place

Being a stepmom is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. And right now it is as challenging as it ever has been.

R and I are still going through his work issues. We both want to leave. Desperately. BUT…

And of course the BUT = A&M. R and I were having lunch together yesterday and it was a very depressing lunch. We both want to leave. We both know that it would be the best idea for us and Baby. We both know we would be happy, could find jobs, and live a good quiet life in relative peace. A&M could come down in the summers, spring break, and every other Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We could make this work. I know we could. A&M would be upset at first, but they would figure it out. They sure don’t seem to miss us much when we don’t see them now, so why would a few 1000 miles change anything?

I know.

It would change everything.  We were discussing it yesterday at lunch. R was visibly despondent. I suggested selling the house, moving back into the townhouse I own (and am currently renting), and we stay for the next 6 years. R will need to get another job, and we’ll need to find daycare, but in the townhouse we can do it. Then we move after A&M graduate. This is the best thing for us. I know it is. R won’t feel guilty 10 years from now when the girls get married and don’t invite us because Evil Ex has poisoned them against us to the point of no return. We’re the adults. We should be the ones to deal with the heartache and frustration, not them.

But will we end up resenting them as they complain about everything, tell us how awful we are, and then turn around and ask for money? Will we look at each other and know the other is thinking “We made a mistake.”

Neither of us want to sell our house and move into the townhouse. It would feel like failure. My family is judgmental. Saying that N won’t be spending time with us and that is the reason we bought the big house would be a waste of breath and time. They would judge. So we have to deal with that. If we just leave, we don’t have to deal with them either. Instead we have to deal with the anger of giving my parents their first grandchild and then moving away with it.

Frankly we can’t win.

I’m so tired of this. I am tired of trying to fix mess. I’m tired of looking at houses we won’t buy. I am tired of stressing out about a move that we won’t make. I’m tired of looking around the house and fictitiously selling things we don’t need. I’m tired of taking photos of things we should be selling and having him never list them. I am tired of listening to him talk about potentially losing another client. I’m tired of listening to him say he can’t find another job because of this issue.  I’m tired of him saying how this decision would be so much easier if the kids were older. I’m tired of not knowing what our next step will be. I’m tired of the indecision. I’m tired of not having a plan.

If it were up to me, I’d move. I’d leave the kids here and move. They’ll be fine. But that is easy to say when they are not your kids. I know the right thing to do is suck it up and stay. But if R wants to go, I’m ready.