Ugg...really?

I was asked to review my boss. My boss who takes everything personally and will retaliate. How do I answer the questions truthfully but still retain my job?  Seriously not looking forward to this.

Do as I say, not as I do

The rules have changed. I didn't know that they would, but suddenly, in the midst of buying furniture on Monday, they did. Some background: these kids of R’s are messy. I don’t know how messy kids are generally, but I know that I would NEVER have wiped my hands on a dining room chair at 11. I wouldn’t have brought red juice into the living room (then again we really were not allowed to have red juice in the first place.) I wouldn’t have left an open marker on the couch. N pushes furniture around and bangs into things, which causes them to get dinged up. He runs into walls causing chunks of wall to fall to the ground. Granted I was not in a wheelchair at 16, but I doubt I would have done this if I were.

So when we were looking for furniture I expressed displeasure at the idea of buying a light colored set of barstools for the kitchen because the girls would wipe their hands on the chairs and mess them up.  I suddenly got a, “Would you quit ragging on the kids!” from the guy who 3 seconds earlier had been ragging on the kids. Ok. So now I know it is a do as I say, not as I do environment. That’s fine as long as I know what the rules are. It’s like kids on the playground, I can say my sister is a jerk, but you’d better not. Ok. I get it, I understand the rules.

I think that is what caused me to react so harshly this morning when R was driving me into work and said, “As long as your friend can keep her big mouth shut about the house.” I flipped and stated, “She doesn’t have a ‘big mouth.’ ” Yeah, it touched a nerve. I don’t know why, but it did. He’s got a point because the kids still don’t know about the house. But my friend KNOWS that they don’t know and wouldn’t say anything anyway. We’ve got more to worry about with the nosy neighbor that he thinks is so great that now knows we are moving.

But…he’s right, I shouldn’t rag on the kids. I should remember that they are kids and they ruin stuff. But you know what? I’m 36 and have not had to deal with kids before 5 months ago. I didn’t have 16 years of getting acclimated to the fact that I can’t have nice things because they will break/lose/ruin them. So cut me some slack pal.

That is what drives me the craziest. I have never wanted kids. Never. (Ok once that feeling came over me, but it was gone in a few months.) But beyond that, I have never wanted kids. R knows this. So I hate the expectation that I will just move into the “Mom” role. No previous experience, no warning, I’ll just do it and love it because I have ovaries. Obviously I have wanted to have this role and would know exactly what goes into it because I have two X chromosomes. Would anyone expect a man to slide easily into the “Dad” role? Would you expect him to do it and love it just “because”? I don’t think so. In fact society tells us that men don’t want to be a father figure to children that are not theirs. So why should I want to be a mother figure to children that are not mine?

The kids are great for the most part. But I hate the expectation that I will just love his kids and that I would just love the opportunity to be their Mom. I’m NOT their Mom. I’ll never be their Mom. And anyone thinking any differently is crazy. I’ll never be their Mom in their eyes…nor frankly do I want to be. I’m happy to be the step-parent…I don’t need to be anyone’s parent.

But I guess I really need to watch what I say.

Hello Friday, I needed you about now.

It ended up that everything worked itself out yesterday because the guy we picked to rent out the townhouse for us could come and take photos at 3 pm. So no girls night, but no hurt feelings either way either. Which is good.

Got the TH listed for rent and had a showing today at 12:30. Still waiting to hear how it went and whether they will want the TH or not. I suppose it is a waiting game that I will just have to endure.

Weekend is looking busy, but not too bad. No kids, which is nice. Basketball game and power soccer on Saturday, lunch with my family after that, and then some sewing time with my sister and Mom. This sounds bad, but time away from R is what I need right now. I’m needing time with my girls and this is a band-aid for that. I don’t know what Sunday will bring, but hopefully some down time. I need to start packing my sewing room so perhaps that will start this weekend too. We’ll see I guess.

I had lunch with the work gals today before runaway left to go back to her new home. She’s here over the weekend for a friend’s 40^th bday. She invited me to go along, but I just couldn’t do it. R would get too cranky. And if I am going to spend the weekend away, then I’m going to spend it with sis and mom at quilt retreat. She got that, but I was sure thankful for the offer. Lunch was really helpful though. It was nice to talk and get some things off my chest with people who knew where I was coming from. I feel better than I did this morning. More able to face the world and what is in it.

Here’s to a great weekend!

Sigh

One of the biggest fights that R and I have revolves around me seeing my girlfriends. His view is that if I want to spend time with them it means I don’t want to spend time with him. This is not the case, but he doesn’t understand that sometimes I need a break…even from the love of my life and his three darling progeny. I am not saying I love my friends more than R when I go out with them. But that is what he sees. Consequently I find myself in a bit of a pickle today.

A good friend from work moved away a few months ago. She found the love of her life on the interweb and moved 1000 miles away to be with him. She continues to work for the electronics retailer that I work for and she comes back to our state every month or so. Four of us who went through new hire together have a dinner date tonight. We’ve become quite close over the nearly 3 years that we have been here. Lost loves, work issues, new loves, vacations, kids, step kids, ex’s (ours and our boys’), winnebago’s, etc. We’ve become very close. These are people that I consider friends, not merely “work friends.”  So when our runaway comes home I like to get together with everyone to catch up.

The problem is…R hates our runaway. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think it is because she is (in his opinion) a bad influence. I on the other hand, think she’s a riot. She is a good friend who was there when I really needed someone. She made sure to check on me constantly when I was at the lowest point in my life. She helped me heal, and for that I will be forever grateful.

So I am being pulled between 2 things I am desperate for. Seeing my friends and being where it would make R happiest (at home with him and the kids tonight.) I was so stressed about it I have not even told him. I’ll figure something out though. Hopefully it is before it’s time to leave for dinner. J

Apples to Apples

We had the kids last night, and as my last post proves, I was really in need of an attitude adjustment.  I got home after work (I did about zip all day) and R had made dinner. The girls were upstairs working on a puzzle and N was watching Empire Strikes Back.  Dinner was good, but towards the end chaos started to reign. I could see R getting closer and closer to bubbling over.  So I told the kids that we’d play a game after I was done cleaning up. The girls went upstairs (acting crazy) and N went back to the movie. R went to the couch and crashed.

After cleaning up we played Apples to Apples until it was time for R to take them home. They were ridiculous. It was as if we had put 12 gallons of sugar in each kid! It was quiet when they left. When he got home R was in a state because they were still wild on the way home. I told him that was why I was trying to keep them out of his hair. He left, and then came back and said, “Thanks for that.”

Tonight is just us. We have 2 property management companies coming to look at the townhouse for rental purposes. Then we’ll make a decision tonight and hopefully get the place listed this weekend or earlier. Once we have a renter I’ll feel much better about the move. We MUST find a renter for April 1. We simply can’t afford to pay 2 mortgages and our other bills. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out. I know it will, but I just need to have this done.

Then it will be all about packing and moving.  Ugg.

VD and beyond

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and once again I leave a holiday feeling screwed. R’s assistant scheduled him for a meeting in a town 4 hours away that started at 2 pm and lasted 2.5 hours. So he didn’t get home until after 8. I went to the club and worked out. I need to do that more than I do now, so I am trying to take more time for myself and get it done. That and I am not happy about where my weight is so…off to the club I went.

While there I got to thinking about the gift I got him and what he had been talking about getting me over the past month and a half or so and I thought I’d better get him something else. To quote Julia Roberts, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!” I got him a camcorder and a Ferrari buyer’s guide. I got a plastic pair of binoculars (a joke gift) and a sample pack of massage oils. Really? Really!?! I’m not as materialistic as this sounds (because believe me I KNOW it sounds bad) but REALLY??  COME ON! Did you stop at Walgreen’s on your way home to get me my gift? At that point let’s just agree not to get gifts for each other. If you are not going to put ANY thought into it at all, then just forget it.

So I go to bed not really all that happy and I wake up even less happy. I power on the computer to print something out for the new house and the track pad on the laptop won’t work. That damned kid turned it off! I know I’m going to sound selfish here, but why can’t she just leave the damned thing alone!?! Why can’t she leave the settings alone and not mess with them? Is there a reason she needs to mess with it and change things? That kid has caused us to get more viruses than I ever had prior to their grubby little selves moving in. RAWR!

Then R turns to me and says, “Can you just fax that for me? I just don’t have time.” When did I become his secretary? You don’t have time to push a few buttons? I KNOW you wouldn’t be doing it anyway; his assistant at work would do it. But OBVIOUSLY I have time to do it. Right? Negatory ghost rider.

But unlike him I made time to do it. I am so frustrated. I need some time with my girlfriends. I need some time away for a while. But when do I get to do that??? Never is the answer. I rarely get more than a few hours a week alone. And never are those hours consecutive and at a time where I could meet up with my girlfriends and de-stress. Sigh. I need some girlfriend time.

Driving Home

We had the kids this weekend and it went pretty well. Although I would not have said that while we were in the thick of things. N is pretty stressful. He has to needle everyone about everything. It gets very old very quick, and I lost my cool a couple of times. I always feel bad when I do, but I am typically at the very end of my leash and I can't stand it any longer.

With this in mind it was VERY interesting when we took the kids home. A has been riding in the truck with me while R drives the van. (Heaven forbid we leave a car there when we pick up the kids and the van!) A told me several things on the way home that made me go, "Hmm." She said that N and M fight a lot at their Mom's house too. More than they do at our place. She said that what we get it "light" compaired to their Mom's house. How fascinating.

She also told me that she likes her Mom better than her Dad. I didn't tell her Dad this. I couldn't. He is head over heals for this kid. So I could NEVER tell him this. So now I need to figure out a way to adjust his behavior to make sure she doesn't feel overloaded.  She is relied on in both homes to help out and M is pretty much allowed to do nothing and get away with it. A is getting frustrated by it. She's feeling taken advantage of. 

It was VERY interesting to hear her thoughts about dinner time activities. R makes dinner. I clean up. It seems pretty easy to me. But A sees it as R being "mean" to me. How fasciniating!!!  She didn't think it was fair that he would come sit down in the living room or go upstairs and I would be doing dishes. I explained that since he was cooking I thought it was fair that I clean up so that one person does not do all the work.  She thought he was being mean to me. How fascinating.

So how do I get him to rely on M more and let A off the hook a bit more? I'm going to have to think on this.

connections

Dinner with the kids last night, and we are on deck for this weekend. Basketball and soccer, and Valentine's day. All in all a quiet weekend, all things considered. :)

A friend of mine has a blog related to her job. She is a pastor in Arkansas and I have found myself reading her blog and really enjoying it. This week was about slowing down and talking to God. 

I am not a “God” person. I’m not a non-believer, but I don’t believe that God is the vengeful, angry, wrath-filled entity that my Catholic upbringing has led me to believe. I believe there is a God and there is Heaven. I don’t believe in hell though. I think your options are heaven or nothing, you just die. I can’t think of anything worse than finding out that there really is nothing after this life.

So it is interesting to read the blog of someone who is so connected with God. Who has that one on one relationship that religious people talk about. It is interesting to me because I really don’t think that my life is all that interesting to God. I do lean on faith when necessary, but I try not to “bother the Big Guy” unless I really need something. And I always try to say thank you once He, or one of his saintly minions (specifically Saint Jude), gets me through things.

When the kids start asking for A then B then C then D, I tune out. Why would I presume that God would not do the same to me? I’m not going to waste my time and His on praying to win the Power Ball. Yes, $85 million would be a great thing to have. But it would have its downfalls too. And frankly I don’t think God is all that interested in me winning that money, regardless of who I promise to give it to. So I save my talks with God for the big stuff. 

When I lost my job a few years ago, I prayed for help. Not a job, just something that would get me through until I found a job. A contract position started the next Monday (it was not scheduled to start for 3 more weeks.)  When my boyfriend of 4 years called me and broke things off over the phone, I didn’t ask God to bring him back, I just asked that He help me find happiness again and move on...that He make the pain go away.  The pain went away (eventually), and I did get over him. I got over him just a few days before he returned to my life apologizing and begging me to take him back. It’s crazy how the world and God works isn’t it?

But as for a 1:1 relationship, no I don’t think we have that. We have a relationship similar to the one I have with my boss’s boss. We know each other, I can go to Him if I need something, but for the most part I like to stay off of His radar and not bring Him too many problems.

Crazy I know.

New Home

We've decided to buy a new house and get out of my townhouse. I have mixed feelings about this. On one side we need more space. There is no getting around that. But on the other hand I am going to miss my space…my sanctuary, my home. The home I bought on my own, and kept through some really tough times. It’s just walls and floor and ceilings, but why do our homes mean so much? I can’t even say that it is the people inside the home that makes it, because for 90% of the time I’ve owned it, it was just Charlie (my cat) and I.

But we need a main floor bedroom for N. He just can’t keep sleeping in the living room. And the girls would like their own rooms. So upgrade we must.

It is huge. 4500 square feet. But we’ll have the space we need for us and the kids which is a good thing.

Now for furniture. We’ve decided that we need a kitchen table, living room furniture, furniture for a screened porch, patio furniture, some additional furniture for the master bedroom, and the kids each need a chest of drawers. Then there are the electronics. Thank goodness I work for a major electronics retailer. The discount isn’t great, but it is there and that is something in and of itself. The whole cost is staggering and way out of my comfort zone.

R doesn’t get this. I lived in a small house that was just big enough for 2 (maybe 3) when I was married. We didn’t need anything more. I moved out into a one bedroom apartment that was really lovely and that I miss to this day. I didn’t need anything more. Then I bought the townhouse and it was more than I needed. Now this house is WAY more than we need. But it is a great value, and hopefully when house prices rebound the value will skyrocket to where it should be. I guess we’ll see.

I just need to take some deep breaths and remember that it will be ok. But as hard as it was to go from the mindset of 2 incomes down to 1 (and I’m still paying off the credit card bills to prove this), it is even harder to go from 1 income to 2. Deep breaths should get me through it. J

Kids for dinner tonight and then this weekend. It’s a rather quiet weekend though. Basketball practice on Friday, game on Saturday. Soccer practice on Saturday. Then we’re done with the “must do’s.”  Who knows what the weekend will bring!

kids are interesting creatures

We had the kids last night for dinner. It is always interesting to have them over and hear what they think about life.

A and M are twins at 11 years old. A is a very intelligent and mature 11 year old. She thinks before she speaks and is very pointed in her questions and responses. She is starting to get into what her peers think of her, the clothes she wears, etc. She is a people pleaser too. She wants her Dad, Mom, teachers, friends, siblings, and even I (to an extent) to like her. She will be the wild card of these three kids.

M is less mature. She thought the skulls on my sunglasses were snowmen. She loves Phineas and Ferb (huh?) and playing video games on the internet. She believes she really has won a new Wii when the advertisement pops up. I have gotten more viruses on my computer because of that child than I have ever gotten in my life. She is tenderhearted and tries her very best everyday to do the right thing. She is a sweetheart and does the cutest things. But then…she’ll let one out like she did last night at dinner.

Dad: I’m going to get seconds.
M: You know what else you can do? Get me more juice and more food.

I think I even said, “Wow. Really?”

These kids are not mine. They are his and his ex’s. When R first moved into my place the biggest irritant was that none of the kids…not a one…said please or thank you. For anything. I wonder if I am alone in this frustration of demands that come out all the time? I was brought up that if you wanted someone to do something for you, you (a) asked, and (b) said please. Then when they did it, you said thank you. Am I totally off base?  The kids are 11 and 16! Shouldn’t they know this?

I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations (gotta love the corporate lingo that comes out all the time.) Are my expectations that they say please, thank you, and you’re welcome, naïve? Am I expecting too much from them? I really don’t think I do.

And what about table manners? It took several weeks of visits to get through to N (the 16 year old) that you cannot just roll up to the table and start eating. You must wait until everyone is seated. And he still forgets. But he is getting better.

I need to remember that they are not mine, and there is nothing I can do about 11 and 16 years of people not guiding them in proper table manners. I look at R and think, how could you not teach them this?? I’m not expecting that they are “seen and not heard,” but that they ask that something is passed rather than reaching around and knocking over someone else’s milk.

How do you gently guide them (because I am not the mom) in the ways of doing things to make them polite members of society?

Hi there.

I'd always told myself that I was not narcissistic enough to have a blog. Guess I was wrong. I'm a 36 year old woman (girl actually...I don't think I can claim to be a "woman" just yet) who is becoming a stepmother soon. I've been married in the past but was smart enough to not have children with him.

Now there is a man in my life (R) with 3 kids (twin girls (A&M) and a boy (N)), and an ex that makes me grit my teeth and bite my tongue more than I ever thought I could. 

So this is my space to write about what is happening and how life is going. A place for me to record the feelings of being a step parent in this early stage of our relationships as a family. A place where I can vent and rant and brag all about these three new little people in my life. Work stuff will likely come up, relationship stuff with R will come up I am sure, but mainly this is about my transition from a career woman to a step mom and how that goes.