Nice Quiet Evening

It's a nice quiet evening at my house tonight. Kids are here for the weekend and we're watching Harry Potter Part 1 with a fire going in the fire place. Super "family" feel.  Hopeful that the weekend goes well. This will be the first time the kiddos meet my family. I hope Easter goes well.

What's the point?

Kiddos last night and I was seriously asking myself, "What's the point of these visits?" R spent the majority of the time in the yard. A and N spent the evening watching TV, and M was on the computer. When does quality time turn into just quantity time? We have them for 3.5-4 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I wonder what the point of it is.

So we spent time with them. If it is not quality time that what is the point? To me it seems almost more disruptive than not seeing them at all. But who knows…maybe they are getting more out of it than I can tell.

Of course we can’t amend the visitation schedule to one week on and one week off because that would mean that the ex wouldn’t get any money. And that is her admitted only reason for wanting the kids at all. But to me this schedule they have created is worthless if what R wants is some real quality time with his kids. But it is not my problem. It is his problem long term.

Punishment

Punishment is an interesting thing. On Monday we had the kiddos and N started trying to “educate” everyone and his sisters (who are 5 years younger) corrected him. He got angry and started yelling about how “normals” hated him and he hated all of us. R shut him down and sent him to his room for the rest of the night. N is 16 and is still being sent to his room. I just sat there and watched.

It is interesting watching R and N interact. Sometimes it is great, most of the time it is not. N gets on R’s nerves instantly. I understand that it is because of 16 years of N being a difficult and demanding kid. And he is. Nothing is ever good enough. Would you like chips with your sandwich? Elicit a response of “What kind!” in a nasty tone. So between N’s nasty tone and sense of entitlement and R’s childhood where he would never dream of responding like that because he would have gotten hit with a belt, it is an interesting sociological situation. Does one drive the other? Can they ever get past these feelings?

And what is my role in all of this? When do I say to R “I think you’ve gone a little too far” and when do I say to N “Don’t you see that when you do X you get Y reaction out of your Dad. And you still do X thinking that you’re right and he’s wrong and you still get punished. As long as you do X you will continue to get punished.” 

Part of me is of the opinion that I have 2 years left to live with this awful dynamic and then he’ll be 18 and won’t come over any more.  But I know that this is not going to be the case. His mom won’t want him at home so he will continue to be schlepped over to our house even though he doesn’t want to come over and R doesn’t really want him either. The “service” dog doesn’t help the situation.

I have never seen such an untrained animal. He jumps onto the counters to get to our food, digs in the garbage can, eats the cat food, eats the cat’s poo, and does everything he can to get at food and eat it.  R hates the service dog. Mainly because we can’t determine who is getting the service; us or him. But as long as the ex has the power, she will ensure that we are saddled with that damn dog and that N will continue to visit.

So how do I try to repair that relationship? Do I try to repair that relationship? Is it my responsibility or R’s? Ugg…

Nice...really nice

“What do you mean she doesn’t want the kids for Mother’s day weekend?”

Mother’s Day weekend is the same weekend as the soccer tournament in Duluth. The ex is heading up there with her new boyfriend Tom…evidentially for the weekend. We were surprised to see that the tournament was the same weekend as Mom’s Day and R sent her an email apologizing because it was her weekend and we approved the tournament. She shot back that she was busy that weekend, she had plans, and she was NOT going to switch. R reminded her that he wasn’t switching, just abiding by the divorce decree because it was Mother’s Day weekend. She responded that she had plans and was not going to change them. She’d celebrate with cake when we dropped them off late Sunday.

Wow. I always assumed that Mom’s lived for Mother’s Day weekend. This is the big weekend to thank, pamper, etc. mom. And you DON’T want to see your kids? Really?!?

I simply don’t understand.

Yeee-ouch!

A&M are having a sleepover this weekend as a thank you for all the hard work they did. N has a soccer tournament Saturday morning so I offered to take the girls to see Soul Surfer, a movie they wanted to see.  When R offered it up to them they said, “No, we want to go to soccer because Tom will be there!” Tom is the ex’s new love.  It’s not that they want to go see soccer or that he’ll be there and they want to see him that hurts so much, but that I KNOW that they will never say that about me. they will never say to Tom (or anyone else) “No we don’t want to go do something with you, because Jen will be someplace else we could go.”

It killed me. I’m glad he’s a good guy and that the kids like him. I’m just worried that they will start to like him more than their Dad, and that Dad will then get swept aside. That will kill him. Regardless their comment made me think, “Why am I investing so much of myself into these people who barely even acknowledge my existence?” I’m tired of the bitchy comments. And they are 11! It’s only going to get worse. Sorry R, I can’t just turn it off and not let it affect me. I don’t even want to see them.

I am wishing away then next 7 years because by then the girls will be 18 and will not be our problem and N will be dead.  

I know…I’m evil. But right now, I just don't care.

It's been a while...

It’s been a while since I blogged because we finally closed! Yea!  Kids love the new place and were a huge help in moving things in. We are now totally moved in and resolving all the little gremlins that come up with a move into a new home.

We’ve got a soccer tournament coming up for N on May 7. We’ve got the kids that weekend and confirmed that we’d be bringing N for that. Then the ex piped up that she would be coming with her new boyfriend. Finally we “know” about him. We’ve known for weeks that she had a boyfriend and that he had met the kids and the kids seem to like him. That’s great!

But of course it was a super secret until now. “Don’t tell Dad and J!!” Just another way for her to control them and what they do. She controls what they say in her house (can’t talk about Dad, definitely not me(!) and not about the new house. Unless of course she starts asking about it.) The control issues there are enormous.

Soooo different from our house. Talk about what you want to talk about. Tell your mom what you want to tell her. We don’t have any secrets that you can’t tell her. So why are we the bad guys all the time? I’m so tired of them coming over and having an attitude. It takes days to get through it and then they are gone and we have to start all over again a few days later. I wonder if they are the same way at their Mom’s house? Who knows…