Do as I say, not as I do

The rules have changed. I didn't know that they would, but suddenly, in the midst of buying furniture on Monday, they did. Some background: these kids of R’s are messy. I don’t know how messy kids are generally, but I know that I would NEVER have wiped my hands on a dining room chair at 11. I wouldn’t have brought red juice into the living room (then again we really were not allowed to have red juice in the first place.) I wouldn’t have left an open marker on the couch. N pushes furniture around and bangs into things, which causes them to get dinged up. He runs into walls causing chunks of wall to fall to the ground. Granted I was not in a wheelchair at 16, but I doubt I would have done this if I were.

So when we were looking for furniture I expressed displeasure at the idea of buying a light colored set of barstools for the kitchen because the girls would wipe their hands on the chairs and mess them up.  I suddenly got a, “Would you quit ragging on the kids!” from the guy who 3 seconds earlier had been ragging on the kids. Ok. So now I know it is a do as I say, not as I do environment. That’s fine as long as I know what the rules are. It’s like kids on the playground, I can say my sister is a jerk, but you’d better not. Ok. I get it, I understand the rules.

I think that is what caused me to react so harshly this morning when R was driving me into work and said, “As long as your friend can keep her big mouth shut about the house.” I flipped and stated, “She doesn’t have a ‘big mouth.’ ” Yeah, it touched a nerve. I don’t know why, but it did. He’s got a point because the kids still don’t know about the house. But my friend KNOWS that they don’t know and wouldn’t say anything anyway. We’ve got more to worry about with the nosy neighbor that he thinks is so great that now knows we are moving.

But…he’s right, I shouldn’t rag on the kids. I should remember that they are kids and they ruin stuff. But you know what? I’m 36 and have not had to deal with kids before 5 months ago. I didn’t have 16 years of getting acclimated to the fact that I can’t have nice things because they will break/lose/ruin them. So cut me some slack pal.

That is what drives me the craziest. I have never wanted kids. Never. (Ok once that feeling came over me, but it was gone in a few months.) But beyond that, I have never wanted kids. R knows this. So I hate the expectation that I will just move into the “Mom” role. No previous experience, no warning, I’ll just do it and love it because I have ovaries. Obviously I have wanted to have this role and would know exactly what goes into it because I have two X chromosomes. Would anyone expect a man to slide easily into the “Dad” role? Would you expect him to do it and love it just “because”? I don’t think so. In fact society tells us that men don’t want to be a father figure to children that are not theirs. So why should I want to be a mother figure to children that are not mine?

The kids are great for the most part. But I hate the expectation that I will just love his kids and that I would just love the opportunity to be their Mom. I’m NOT their Mom. I’ll never be their Mom. And anyone thinking any differently is crazy. I’ll never be their Mom in their eyes…nor frankly do I want to be. I’m happy to be the step-parent…I don’t need to be anyone’s parent.

But I guess I really need to watch what I say.