Baby Talk

Baby its cold outside

Baby baby baby

Be my baby tonight

Baby got back

Everything is baby. We’re back on the baby bandwagon at my house. My darling husband was baby nuts for months before we were married. Then it all stopped. Not only were we not going to have one now, we were not going to have one ever. End of story. Thank you and goodnight.

Now it’s back again. Baby talk. Isabella Violet if it’s a girl. Pierce Randall if it’s a boy. Bella and Pierce. Part of me thinks maybe twins so we can meet both of them!!

Another part of me is terrified.

Not just “wow what a change that would be to our lives” but horrifically, knee dropping, bone chilling, nauseatingly, numbingly terrified. Terrified.

Yes, I have all the typical nervousness that anyone looking at being a parent has. Will I be any good at it? What if the baby is ugly? What if the child turns into Charles Manson? What if I’m just not a good mom? What if I freak out and run away? What if R freaks out and runs away? What if we get a kid like N and his attitude? What if the child is handicapped? R already has one with special needs. I’m getting old, Downs is a possibility.  And now-a-days it seems every other kid born is autistic.

What if the child is like me and is fat and gets made fun of in school like I did? Is it right to have a child knowing that this is nearly an absolute certainty? I’m not sure I can handle that. I can’t handle the idea that a child of our blood might not be “normal.”

I’ve never wanted kids. Never. I’m more of a “kids are great, but I’m good without.”  I’ve never thought of myself on my deathbed regretting not having children. R is a kid guy though. After dropping the girls off at their mom’s he said “we need some full time kids in this house.” He wants them. He’s also almost 46 years old. I pointed out that he would have one at 18 and one at 8 weeks. Would he be ok with that? His response…”absolutely!” I’ve never seen myself in the “Mom” role. Auntie, yes. Mom, no way in hell.

But now I am faced with the decision again. The decision with a large contingent of people yelling “YES!!!” and my own inner voice whispering “Please dear God, no.”