My darling husband did something incredibly stupid. Sorry…stoopid. When we made the plans for his birthday trip in January he didn’t clear them with his ex. Turns out, she’s traveling at the same time we will be. So there is no one to watch the kids. And because it is our weekend and he hadn’t cleared the change with her, it falls on us to find care for them or we cancel our trip. We’re either out $800 or we’re spending another $2-300 for care because N is in a wheelchair and can’t do anything for himself. I’m going to have to spend another couple hundred dollars to care for a kid who hates me enough that he refused to come to our wedding. F that.
As I was sending a scathing email to my sister ranting about what an inconsiderate boob my husband is, I got another email.
And my whole outlook changed.
A nurse of one of the boys on N’s soccer team lost her husband today. Unexpectedly. He was in his mid 30’s. He had a heart attack on his way to work and was not found until some time later. He died. Alone. On the side of the road. Ever the conscientious guy, he made sure he was fully pulled over so as not to impede other drivers.
They had been married for 3 months.
About the same amount of time we have been married. We were the only ones of the “soccer family” who were excluded from their wedding. But whatever. She lost her husband of only 3 months.
With the medical problems R has been having I have been worried about losing him. I have considered what life would be like without him. To lose him after just a few months…minutes really, of our lives together. I would be devastated. I don’t know how I would go on. I don’t know how I would be able to put one foot in front of the other and continue to move forward in life. I fear I would become a recluse. Never leaving my bed. Never fully returning to the “real world” because my whole world would be gone.
And add to that that I would probably never see the kids again. Never. It would be funeral, and then their Mom would probably come over to take what was “theirs” from the house, and I would never see them again. As much as I complain about them, it would be hard to lose them too.
Suddenly his screw up with the ex seemed much less significant. And while I’m still angry about it my focus has changed. At least I have him. At least he’s not gone. He will be there when I get home.
When Nancy get’s home, Jim will be gone.
He won’t return.
He won’t walk in the door.
He won’t irritate her.
He won’t do or say things that drive her crazy.
And she’ll bargain with God, offering up her right arm and both legs to get him back for 3 minutes.
Did they say “I love you” when they separated this morning?
Did they kiss goodbye?
Did they make love this morning or last night?
Did they make that loving connection that she can carry with her?
Or did they argue? Did she nag him about forgetting to pick up milk yesterday? Did she “say no” out of sheer irritation or exhaustion? Did he say something nasty? Did he ride her because his shirt was not ironed or favorite pants not washed? Did they argue about how much they were spending on holiday gifts? I hope not.
I hope their last moments together were loving. Expressing their love for each other and how desperately they wanted to stay together in that moment, but couldn’t because they had to go to work. I hope it was a moment that will allow her to hold the memory close in the years to come. That she’ll be able to hang onto the details of the moment. How did his shirt feel under her hands. His lips on hers. His bearded cheek on her soft one. The strength of his arms circling her.
Now I think of Jim. He died alone. Alone on the side of the highway watching people drive by. No one stopping. Did he think of Nancy? Did he replay their parting this morning in his head? Did he try to call her to tell her one last time that he loved her? Did he call 911? Could he have been saved if just one Good Samaritan had stopped to render aid? Would he now be in a hospital bed instead of the morgue if someone had? Was it quick and painless or did he suffer? This gentle man who attempted to cause as little suffering to others as possible.
Thank you God for letting me keep my husband for another day. I promise I won’t take it for granted. Please God give Nancy relief from her suffering sooner rather than later. Please God accept Jim into Heaven with you. He was a good guy and from my view he deserves it (but You’re in charge of who You let into Your house.) Please help Nancy. Fill her with love and memories and not sorrow and anger for the future they planned but will not exist. Fill her with hope and not longing. Please help bring her sunny personality back. Please watch over her. Amen.
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