disconnected.
alone.
I often wonder why I feel this way. This is not the first time this incredible loneliness has swept over me.
Normally it is devastating.
The disconnection creates holes in my universe. It creates schisms in my world. Permanent separations.
I'm afraid.
The last time I felt this way I lost my job and my relationship fell apart.
How do I focus back on the connections? How do I rebuild those in my mind?
Because they ARE there. I just choose not to look at them. I choose not to see the people around me. I isolate myself.
From my family.
Friends.
Co-workers.
Everyone.
I need a change I think to myself. A change of scenery. A job change. A life change. A home in Honduras. A place in Paris. A chateau in Copenhagen. A radical change. Shaving my head. Something big...
to feel again.
To feel anything but loneliness again.
I have no right to feel this way. I have everything I have always wanted. A wonderful husband who I fought for, for 6 years. A great job at a wonderful company. A gaggle of friends. Wonderful (if not kooky) family. A birthday trip coming up. Holidays. Money enough to buy presents for everyone.
I have everything.
And nothing all at once.
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